Continuation

Today (or yesterday, depending on how you look at it), I had a reasonably bad day. I say "reasonably" because my bad days must be defined with a broad stroke, ranging from slightly bad to disastrous. Reasonably bad lies somewhere between slightly and moderately so. I didn't fall down, I didn't fail to make it to the toilet and I didn't leave the house so I didn't embarrass myself. Problem is, I spent too much time thinking. Just so it is clear: There is no such thing as an idle mind. If I could put my thoughts in neutral  every so often, I'd never have a bad day. I could flip the mental gearshift and my brain drive would settle down to a crawl, coast a bit and roll to a stop. I will admit to having the ability, mentioned more than once, to be able to self- hypnotize or meditate, enabling me to rise above my stresses and sleep. Problem is, this method only works when a desired result is well defined. 

Idle time is my enemy, though I lack the energy or ability to fill my days with activity that can combat on every front. Sometimes- not always, not every day- my imagination, loaded with a macabre sense  of humor- demented, I know- gets the better of my common sense and challenges my  self preservation instinct. In a nutshell, I smell doom when my brain enters this mode. I cannot block it out because somewhere deep within my psyche I want it to manifest itself. My sense of  well being is buried in the rubble of gloom. I'm at the mercy of my overactive pendulum, caught in it's arc toward the dark side. No manic depressive am I. That would be too simple. My pendulum sweeps with a varied gravity- more so to the extreme of black imagination and less, though fairly so, to the sunlight. If my mind worked on an even keel, do you really believe I could think this shit up? It is a blessing and a curse, magnified by my predicament. 

I must put this occasional "reasonably bad" in the proper perspective.. I could have had a disastrous day, characterized by a tumble down the stairs, a broken neck and paralysis as dessert, I could  have received bad news unimaginable, I could have slipped and drowned, face in the toilet (you see how easily this stuff flows for me?), but nothing like that happened. I simply thought about it. I failed to nourish my mind with the bright swing of my pendulum and allowed myself to get carried down a dark path of imagination, mine which is over active, mine that fights daily to see the good in all this. Most days, the good wins out- today I conceded a small defeat. Hopefully they will remain few and far between.