Good days, bad days

I'm struggling with what to post these days. I feel the need to lighten the mood with sarcasm, humor, offbeat commentary or  anecdotal witticisms. I look for the upside of all this while struggling with the annoying realities as they become apparent. I know my messages become exercises in redundancy but I continue to come back to the same issues with a slightly skewed viewpoint begging to be composed on these pages. ALS is creepy and relentless. It doesn't affect cognitive reasoning, yet it does. It causes a million blunders in reason purely by destroying voluntary muscle function. As an example, when I sit, my legs feel normal. They remain strong (though this may be a relative term), they lay properly, they look normal and I can move them to my will. My cognitive process functions normally when I am seated, when the ever present ALS is less obvious, but when I stand up and start walking, the disease shows its teeth and my cognitive brain is thrown off base. I SHOULD BE ABLE TO WALK NORMALLY! But I can't. I don't. My mind cannot come to grips with the transformation. As a result, when I'm required to walk any distance, the farther I travel, bumbling, the more distressed I become. This distress is mostly mental and can last far beyond the action that triggered it. I can not seem to be able to deal with this these days. I also try to speed up, not so much due to embarrassment (though this does play a part), as to my desire to get done with it. I need to get to  point B quickly so as to lessen the imprint on my brain that the struggle is monumental and growing. A broken leg heals, you see.............

I am anxious for November 13 to get here so that I can prove to my family that I am still able to travel without help. I simply need to navigate puny (though upscale by Peoria standards) Downing International (are you kidding?) Airport, sit for a couple of hours (this I am good at), arrive in Dallas, ride a wheelchair out of the gate, step out and transfer to the world of my daughter, her family and heaven (for me), hug 'em all and slip off into la la land for a week. I will be bringing along some of my favorite recipes, my Kindle and a backpack of clean underwear. Life, if you don't consider my ALS, just can't get any better.

I must return to my dilemma. My newest blockade of desperation is tangible, if not effective. For the last several months, I have worked on the mind/body concepts, I have learned how to relax myself, both physically and mentally, I have developed ever changing coping mechanisms, tweaking their application to my immediate needs. I am not, and do not, intend to take any drugs  to help me get through this mess. I understand that anti-depressants help a great many people, ALS suffers for sure, but I would rather learn to cope on my own. So far, I've managed. I can't say if that will be the case in the future. I may discover a breaking point down the line. I may welcome a drug induced euphoria, or catatonia, or coma. I have never been normal, add ALS and the end result may require drugs I never knew existed.  So, before that time comes, if it ever does, I will be exploring the documents of Edgar Casey, the stories of Traditional Medicine, Mexican stem cells- whatever has a whisper of an effect. Even if nothing works, (I've said it before), I will enjoy the ride, the adventure, the hope.  

I look forward to posting while under the influence, ala Timothy Leary, though I doubt LSD will be the mind changer of choice.