Emotional sources

Before I get involved in the emotional roller coasters attached to traumatic events, illnesses and calamity, let me explain to you my position and belief when it comes to the association between my psychological issues and those physical, in this case ALS.

I have determined, and conclude that there are no experts in the world when it comes to ALS. Neither modern Western medicine nor ancient Eastern medicine really have much of a clue as to the origins of the disease or how to treat it. My need to visit my neurologist is fairly non-existent. I know what's going on, I'm dealing with it as best as I can, and until I get a phone call from him expressing a new, effective treatment course, I will manage my own method, thank you very much. I am not deluded into thinking I can do this by myself; the support I need is already in place, and it does not include doomsayers and warners. I believe I'm smart enough to ready myself for the worst case scenario, all the while ignoring it as I deal with the steps I take day by day. I am my best expert. ALS is a disease that can be identified only through an individual, case by case study. A scientist or doctor can study it, log his observations, make his report and come to his conclusions, but unless he has the disease, he will never really understand it. Even if he's afflicted, he will only have the information pertaining to his own version. Also, keep in mind that a clinical scientist hasn't a clue how to analyze the emotional trauma, which leads me to...............................................

Schools of thought vary in their analyses of heightened emotional activity related to ALS. Some feel ALS is the culprit responsible for emotional distress. I say yes, though indirectly. If I had terminal cancer, the cancer would be the culprit. If I broke my neck and ended up a quadriplegic, the accident and it's result would be the cause. Lesser trauma, coupled with pre-existing issues might well produce even more emotional dysfunction. The only way to analyse emotional issues is through the patient, in this case me, and his ability to set into motion mechanisms helping him to cope. Identifying and compartmentalizing emotional causes has nothing to do with any specific disease. Labeling and generalizing outbursts as ALS symptoms is simply inaccurate. It is easy for me to blame everything on the ALS. It is also wrong.

As personal testimony and experience tell me, I can easily tell you that my escalated emotional discomfiture can be divided into two groups.

Group #1: Casually, I'll explain- an example- I may be watching television and during a scene involving angst, sorrow or reconciliation, joy, or most other scenes emoting any kind of human interaction, a phrase or visual cue will cause me to tear up. These are trigger moments. I instantly take the bullet that forces me to envision a familiar comparison to my  own life, my own situation. These incidents are not long lasting. I see them as little releases. I see them as good for me.

Group #2: Expressed emotional release based on realization- I might struggle at something, become frustrated and break down as a result. The trigger here is usually related to my incapacitation, my diminishing abilities. I might forge foolishly into the dark, "worst case scenario" of my future and feel sorry for myself. In any case, I feel this is not particularly medicinal for me, possibly necessary.

I find myself easy to read. I can assess my condition  better than anyone equipped with all the standardized information printed. I don't care if a doctor or a care giver or a shaman or a priest or anybody else out there has dealt intimately with a thousand ALS sufferers, they do not have the ability to understand my version of the disease, they can all only work to  help me cope. A human cannot tell a centipede how he feels until he walks a mile in its hundred moccasins. I am the centipede.