Another day, new conviction

Going to sleep at night proves to be my most difficult task. I can read until my eyes fall heavy, yet sleep comes grudgingly. During the day I can, and do keep myself busy, therefore distracted from my ailment. Only when I fail to accomplish a task due to my frailty does my condition surface. I'm still learning to deal with my creeping deficiencies. I'm still attempting to wrap my mind around the realities I'm experiencing while refusing to believe I can't knock out the wheels propelling me in a direction I have no interest in. (preposition? bad me). I can deal with my problems if I ignore them in spurts. I can swat the psychological mosquito. I can find a distracting activity to help me forget. When I need to sleep, though, I cannot distract. I can only feel the disease coursing through me. Try as I can, the fasciculations are physically evident. I can see them, I can feel them, damn it, I swear I can hear them! Everywhere from time to time, elsewhere all the time. It's like having a biological Pacman running amok under the skin.
I would never write such a downer if I couldn't follow it with a pick-me-up. I have tried an anti-depressant (a couple months ago) and found that I abhor chemical means to mask pain and suffering more than I thought. I still have a full bottle of the stuff and won't likely pop another one unless I become insane, at which point I'll probably be more dangerous to myself than any pill could ever be, so it won't matter my actions anyway. With that thought as a backdrop, I have had some success in compartmentalizing my emotions, thoughts and perceptions- with Amy's significant help- to the point where I can essentially meditate at bedtime, or any time, putting redundant, destructive thoughts out of my mind to help me cope, or, in this case, to sleep. I have had sessions with those other than Amy who have their own version of this phenomenon, referring to it as enlightenment, (tweaked Buddhism?), Mind-Body work, Freudian influenced therapy aided by hypnosis, yin/yang............... I now understand what works for me, and am beginning to implement it as often as I can. While I feel considerable stress every day, I am able to minimize it through relaxation and meditation. I need it to be understood that the primary influence for me and the real life catalyst is Amy. She listens best. She knows me better than anyone. She speaks the truth even when I am defensive and in denial. She reads me like a book and exhibits total comprehension. Where others provide snippets of help, Amy provides the mother lode of support. Her heart is the key and that key opens up all the options I have that were previously locked up in my thick skull. She can get past my pit bull cognitive consciousness and has carved out a relationship with my sub-conscious. I feel this is just a beginning and our journey is upon a long, rocky road, but I now have help in navigating my future- our future.
The bottom line here is this: I feel more optimistic and excited about life today than I did yesterday. If this feeling holds on long enough to get emblazoned in my mind, I can ride it forever.
One last note: I have moved on from the sadness I've felt for those who follow my plight. It now makes me happy and humble that so many care for me and support me. I can now smile at the thought of you all instead of cry. A great turnaround for me.