I am learning to deal with my limitations. Every day I look for any perks related to the infliction of ALS, and surprisingly, every day I find them, in increasing fashion. I've received occasional correspondence, unanswered, from weaker minds, that has suggested that part of me brought on ALS in order to reap its rewards. Ya' know? I might be inspired at the notion I had the mental prowess to shape my future, replete with a terminal illness except for the confusion incurred within me that I can't seem to shake it.
Bad vibes come in all shapes and sizes. I find often that an acid delivery of a potentially curing concept proves detrimental to my health. There is no need to define any subjective culprit, only a need to produce an objective solution. I've recently come to some rather startling conclusions. They relate to state of mind and how to process thoughts that do more than pay lip service to the problem. As is my nature, I fight to survive. My aggressive efforts until recently have proven to aggravate most situations and produce aggravating results. I now feel compelled to pull an about face and direct all my fury upon the negative signals I've encountered. Whether these bad vibes are real or perceived, perception is reality and they all must be pushed away, pushed down, trod upon and vanquished. Only then can I spin 180 and deal with that which matters.
Second, just the other night, at 2am before the first day of Amy's huge garage sale, I woke her up, we digressed our conversation into a distress filled battle, full of frustration and angst (I'm an expert at being a pain in the ass these days), deploring (not a word, thanks I don't care) and depressing, when she made a point that had never occurred to me. I meditate every day. To relax, to sleep, to relieve stress. I visit abstract concepts all the time. Raising enlightenment isn't one of them. Escaping time isn't one of them. I like to use the term meditate because it feels all encompassing. More probably, I am self hypnotising. I create morphed reality to escape my multitude anxieties and visit the land of ................................Nod. I can then sleep, or rest or collect myself. A byproduct to all of this is the perception (and ya' know, perception is reality), that I am slowing down the progress of ALS. I believe this to be true. In my minds eye I hope to figure out how to beat the disease, and slowing things down gives me more time. Amy made a ridiculously valid point: If I can slow ALS down, why not stop it by the same means? Why not dig in, slow things down, dig in some more and halt it cold? Even if the results aren't definitive, the process is already in place. I see that I am chasing the disease. ,I have it by the tail and I'm pulling. I just need to pull a little harder.
Now, to those perks: It must be clearly understood that I did not give myself ALS for the benefits. Any positives I've discovered are just that- discovered. I had no notion of any advantages to becoming crippled, paralyzed and dead. Only an idiot would wish this upon himself and only an idiot would suggest that he had. That being said, there ARE some good sides. Some people like this blog. They tell me so. I am putting out a little entertainment and since I have more time on my hands I can muddle and befuddle ad nauseum, something like a rotten, though addicting sit-com. I'm closer to my friends and family than ever before and each day is brighter, crisper and more important. This may sound crazy, but by and large, life is good.
Bad vibes come in all shapes and sizes. I find often that an acid delivery of a potentially curing concept proves detrimental to my health. There is no need to define any subjective culprit, only a need to produce an objective solution. I've recently come to some rather startling conclusions. They relate to state of mind and how to process thoughts that do more than pay lip service to the problem. As is my nature, I fight to survive. My aggressive efforts until recently have proven to aggravate most situations and produce aggravating results. I now feel compelled to pull an about face and direct all my fury upon the negative signals I've encountered. Whether these bad vibes are real or perceived, perception is reality and they all must be pushed away, pushed down, trod upon and vanquished. Only then can I spin 180 and deal with that which matters.
Second, just the other night, at 2am before the first day of Amy's huge garage sale, I woke her up, we digressed our conversation into a distress filled battle, full of frustration and angst (I'm an expert at being a pain in the ass these days), deploring (not a word, thanks I don't care) and depressing, when she made a point that had never occurred to me. I meditate every day. To relax, to sleep, to relieve stress. I visit abstract concepts all the time. Raising enlightenment isn't one of them. Escaping time isn't one of them. I like to use the term meditate because it feels all encompassing. More probably, I am self hypnotising. I create morphed reality to escape my multitude anxieties and visit the land of ................................Nod. I can then sleep, or rest or collect myself. A byproduct to all of this is the perception (and ya' know, perception is reality), that I am slowing down the progress of ALS. I believe this to be true. In my minds eye I hope to figure out how to beat the disease, and slowing things down gives me more time. Amy made a ridiculously valid point: If I can slow ALS down, why not stop it by the same means? Why not dig in, slow things down, dig in some more and halt it cold? Even if the results aren't definitive, the process is already in place. I see that I am chasing the disease. ,I have it by the tail and I'm pulling. I just need to pull a little harder.
Now, to those perks: It must be clearly understood that I did not give myself ALS for the benefits. Any positives I've discovered are just that- discovered. I had no notion of any advantages to becoming crippled, paralyzed and dead. Only an idiot would wish this upon himself and only an idiot would suggest that he had. That being said, there ARE some good sides. Some people like this blog. They tell me so. I am putting out a little entertainment and since I have more time on my hands I can muddle and befuddle ad nauseum, something like a rotten, though addicting sit-com. I'm closer to my friends and family than ever before and each day is brighter, crisper and more important. This may sound crazy, but by and large, life is good.
first off the 'idiot' or plural that even would suggest that you brought this on yourself, either on purpose or accidentally needs to talk to me. I believe I can set them straight. talk about not comprehending!!! secondly,sorry to hear bout your tiff,it probably won't be the last. if Amy gets tired of hearing you at weird times,call!see you tomorrow!
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