Chain of Events- Ha!

Everyone has heard of the term "Chain of Events", assuming its use as a connection of evidences leading to an unalterable conclusion. A paper trail to the truth. A road to the answer. I posit an alternative variation. For me, a chain of events is  a loosely worn noose of rough links, heavy, infecting and painful, skidding to and fro over my collar bones. Each link represents the nasty presentation of a negative thought or an assumption or a supposed foregone conclusion. None of the chain is interconnected with truth, held together with a composite of fate mixed with nary a wisp of hope. I wear this device. I received it last March and have been puppeted these long months as its embrace has tortured my being. It is a constant, unyielding reminder of my weakness. I haven't the strength to remove the albatross. My mind has been subjugated by the power of false conclusions. My future has been foretold by statistics and my life is forever changed. The noose will never grow tight because its design is to stifle, to control progress, allowing time to prepare for the inevitable. This psychological harness bleeds into my mind to remind me that all progress is forward, entropy rules the universe and that my direction has been dictated. I hate it. The chain tells me everything. I am its whipping boy. Each day I deal with a small discovery borne of its message and each day the chain proves a fraction of its accuracy.

I have a plan. My new plan is to practice ducking. Soon I hope to duck out of this slack prison. I imagine a quick spin to accompany my move. I expect to turn as the weight drops, to stare it to the ground, to untether myself of the negative apparitions surrounding its disjointed links, to watch it lite, entangled as the conviction of its duty blows from sight, as the symbolism of loss and despair gutters out in ashes. I will then turn, free from its death embrace into a lighter future- a future always there for me, no matter my end.

I am ready for this transition. It is unconnected to spirit, to faith or to energy, yet I draw from all, purposely undefined, as I take a wobbly step forward. I am ready.

These last few days have been particularly rough for me. I am finding things going on and have difficulty mentally adjusting to them. I don't want to sit, but soon I may have to. My strength is waning. I have some pain. Soon I will work through this phase. Each coming day I will be implementing a better course for me, one that will help my family, my friends. My new view and belief is that I must deal with each symptom rather than try to overcome its effect upon my body. I must stay proud and strong while my body weakens. I must embrace my new problems, squeeze hell out of them and see how little effect they have on the real Tracy. I don't need to beat ALS, I don't need to fight every day, I need to stay the same inside, in my mind. ALS is a disabling killer. It is also a mental killer. I can see how the mind could go first. I can see myself going loony long before the end. I can also see that I shed that thought when I shed my noose. I'm done with the past that contains the foolishness of diagnosis and depression. The term "They can kill me but they can't eat me" used to make little sense, but now I find it a perfect match for my situation. ALS may eventually take my life but as of today, the thought of my end will no longer gnaw at my brain.

So, I have not yet begun to fight (did Rocky say that?), and  my battle is no longer a problem for me. You are reading the first post in this series that has been written to include, mid sentence somewhere here, an epiphany. I have concluded that ALS can not and will not cannibalize me.

Don't expect an end to this series just because I might finally have a handle on my problem. All the realization and optimism in the world can't keep me from writing about my experiences. I still have ALS, I still need to tell of my experiences, I still need to pick and poke at the chain noose lying behind me, prodding its forlorn,despicable parts in order to expose the bad things which have throttled my mind these long months. Everyone can learn from my planned dissection of bad karma. Everybody knows of someone who was told they would die from cancer in 6 months  only to learn the better truth. Stories of gloom and doom abound, many with happy endings. My story is already happy, if not yet ended. See ya.