Up early- again

If it is the perception of the subconscious that it has  the functioning of the body under control and a drug is introduced to the system, a war breaks out whereby the intended effect is reversed. Even a fraction of a dosage provides the same result because introduction of any amount is identified and labeled as an adversary. This battle does not necessarily prove that the subconscious mind is healthy. Since the only interpretations of the subconscious are literal there is no way to compromise or provide a suggestion without it being misunderstood. In my case the subconscious is strong and stubborn. After nearly a year of considering, assessing and obsessing it has become obvious that my brain, thinking it is right, actually clueless, has, according to some, accelerated my disintegration. I have, based upon my personality- the same personality, coupled with my lifestyle, a lifestyle I'm told by some is responsible for my disease- resisted a plethora of cures. I'm not happy enough. I refer to my resistance as a fight, as battle, while I must fill my heart with love and caring. Maybe someone out there killed ALS with kindness. If so, they were able to delude the disease into feeling loved as the knife pierced the heart of Gehrig. Still sounds like war to me.


It is becoming more and more apparent that my aggressive nature is a catalyst for progression. I have traveled down a number of avenues looking for methods to help me cope, hoping they could make me better. Hypnosis has been very helpful in relieving stress. Drugs such as sleep aids and anti depressants, anti anxiety medicine and others have proven useless and dangerous. Lately, as ALS has begun setting up camp in the rest of my body, preparing to hunker down and feed, I have found myself struggling to sleep, struggling to function. I have witnessed changes and diminishing abilities each day. While in a power chair I can appear somewhat normal and healthy, provided I stay in the chair. I cannot raise to a standing position without a helping hand. I can only climb stair with a strap cinched around my waist for Amy to pull up with each step while she cradles my left arm; my right hand actually pulls up on the hand rail- a hand very quickly weakening and twisting- with each step. I can rarely  swing my own legs into bed and  am unable to turn from my back to my side. I am unable to gain purchase in bed because strength is now diminished throughout my body. Amy must brush my teeth. Amy must feed me sometimes. I cannot shower alone because it is dangerous and I do a lousy job. I can't easily bring a coffee cup to my mouth, and if I do manage, the cup cants, I shake too much and sometimes burn my mouth. Often I spill. Suffice it to say that all voluntary ability is fading fast.


I am grateful for all of the support friends and family have offered. It is unimaginable for me to even consider where I'd be if I ere alone. I only wish that this juggernaut within me would slow down. My ability to cope is directly connected to the speed of the disease, and recently my ALS is moving too fast.


I promised to give it to you warts and all.... you said OK. Well, welcome to my wart storm.