Resistance may be futile

A certain realization........ I find myself in observation of my environment, detached and clinical at times, emotional and longing most frequently, still hobbled by my loss of invincibility. I watch Amy playing with Alex and Isaac, my heart heavy, tears close by, ever aware that my participation is limited to my imagination, my memory. Alex may remember when I walked, Isaac knows me as a wheelchair captain and the new baby may never know me at all. Through all my trials, my new realizations, my small victories and my annoying digressions runs a thread of despair I cannot break. The fabric of my being has been rended beyond repair. I try to assemble a solution with the remnants, laboring endlessly, tirelessly, continuously battling an invisible storm, continuously pushed back. Sometimes I ask myself if it would be better to simply give up. Maybe I need to accept my fate, undig my heels and ride the train to my destiny. Maybe I need to quit looking down at my path and begin to take in my surroundings before they fly by. If fighting tooth and nail does no more than leave me toothless and nailless, why do I continue? If I'm to be sad no matter what I do, I may as well smell the roses along the way and hope that my final destination is far, far down the road.