More to deal with

As ALS slowly leaches from me my abilities and function, as it draws me down, trapped in a weighted net, breathless, I discover that my distention is more than physical. I learn each day that my ability to cope is challenged by an added gravity. Suffice it to say that had I not learned to release stress in areas  unrelated to ALS, my present burden would have drawn me to the sea bed, drowned. A while back I drew a comparison between instant disability and gradual disability, wondering aloud which would be worse. My jury is still out; I can only speak of the latter. If insanity were the issue, of course I would take instant. These days I spend as much time trying to get out of my mind as I do staying within it. Much of coping is rising above the fray, separating from the over communication of my brain, disengaging from battle- none easy tasks. I'm learning- kicking and screaming- that constant battle breeds constant tension. My senses are perpetually on alert, defensive, ready to lash out to protect, hyper aware and easily spooked. Jumpy. My conversational tone reflects the same anxiety. I'm quick, lashing and irritable whenever any  situation rubs me wrongly. I am as hyper reactive externally as I am internally. Try as I may, I cannot easily adjust my responses. ALS might be cataloged as a physical disruption that leaves cognitive brain function alone, but it does not spare the mind. ALS, as insidious as it is when breaking down the body, wreaks an equal amount of havoc upon the thought processes, each being intertwined with the other.


I have formed no conclusions simply because conclusions require closure or termination. If I could draw a conclusion on a sliding scale, parallel to the slide of my ALS, it's determining meaning would change along the slide and fail to be a conclusion of any kind. Confusion. Conclusion. One in the same in this case.


I am not brave. I cry too much, I imagine too much and I fight too much. This disease has become more of an emotional battle than I ever thought possible. As well as I know how important it is to love and feel loved, to embrace all the positives surrounding me, both physically ad spiritually, I still hate my position, I still hate ALS and I hate the fact that hate taints my mind and battles the emotions that may actually help me through this thing. I never would have believed that a strong mind would be an enemy of my health and well being. I will continue to blunder through this and promise to update you on all revelations and epiphanies. Just promise me you won't hold your breath. Everything with me moves slowly these days.