Can't Sleep, So I Post

It is two AM. I am not restless, I don't feel tired and I'm not frustrated at the fact. My mind is not on overload. I simply had to pee, and now I'm fulfilling another, newly acquired biological need. I write. More accurately, I peck. Surprisingly, with the middle finger of each hand, I do type. My left hand is largely non responsive, yet my middle finger holds it's rigidity well enough to press each key. If this last operational digit goes slack, I will simply tape a Popsicle stick to it and continue on. Life is full of adjustments, these are mine, among others.
I spend a lot of time describing my mental journey. I collect my musings by the bucket load, hoard them within my head and spill them out the door onto the pages of this blog. Many of my thoughts provide proof of how aimless I am at times. Many more give me hope that there is a way to overcome my obstacles. I've used the term "fight" often enough to give the impression I am in a war, but the truth is more complex. If I "war", it is really a battle within myself, and the result of such finds me as the only casualty. ALS is in me. My body fails to eject it because it does not know how. If I stab at the heart of ALS, I stab at my own, and by this method I cannot survive. I must overcome by other means.
In cold illustration, of the 40,000 or so ALS sufferers in the United States today, half will be dead within a couple years of their diagnosis. Statistics on the rest vary greatly, but the likelihood of any of them being cured by any means is astronomically remote. Keep in mind, all of them suffer varying degrees of debilitation. All of us.
There are occasions of remissions, there are occasions of spontaneous healing but they are very rare, especially in this case, here, of a very rare disease. My research shows a much higher remission percentage in cancer patients.
This does not mean there is no way. I believe there is a solution for me, however elusive. For others. I'm convinced that faith or will play little part in a cure. If Divine intervention were a singular tool to recovery, I am dismayed at the lack of it's effectiveness as defined by how few have recovered through such means. The bottom line here is that a bridge must be crossed in order to facilitate a biological change within the body. This means not only must I develop a concept within my mind, I must choose a concept that can correct the problem and bridge the gap to my subconscious to make things happen. No easy task, otherwise the need for pharmaceuticals would be vastly decreased.
I can hear you saying "how the hell do you accomplish such a task". More likely you're saying "bulls***" to yourself. That's OK. You have just as much of a chance at being right as I. However, you are not in my position and you can afford to be skeptical or rationalize me as desperate. I don't have any reason to worry your opinion. I don't fault anyone his position. I actually glory in the fact he isn't in mine.
Try this. I do this on a regular basis. Every day. More than once a day, in fact. I don't call it meditation, because it is not. I can, and often do, perform this act while the TV is on and someone is in the room with me. I don't close my eyes physically, because I want to see. I direct my gaze upon anything. The fireplace. A picture. The drapes. Anything static. If I concentrate, I can first be aware of everything in the room- visual, audio, smells, a breeze (if the window is open), and slowly, systematically, I eliminate all stimuli. I soon see absolutely nothing. I zone out. The best way to describe it is that in my mind's eye, I fabricate complete sensory deprivation. I also rid my mind of the plethora of thoughts that normally gather within my brain. Time has no reference here. When I am hypnotised, time has no reference. I feel this ability can give me a better understanding within myself. I hope to be able to "see behind my eyes" (a term I feel is appropriate for me). As I say, within this state of consciousness, time plays no part, and this releases constraints and apprehensions. I understand our conscious hang-up with time since it is our coping method associated to our existence. All the time in the world, as they say, is an unattainable possession. Try stepping into a different consciousness and discover how tethering our concepts of time can be. Sorry, I am off track here. My goal is to find that bridge to the controls of my subconscious. My goal is to achieve that which few, maybe none, have. Don't get me wrong, I still eat broccoli, take vitamins and try many other general remedies, I still welcome all prayers, regardless the source or belief, I still holler at myself in the mirror in an attempt to exorcise the demon ALS and I still appreciate any energy transference that might take place. All of these actions together wield great power, but I know it will take more that all this. It will take something that may open a door for the first time. I don't yet have the key, but I'm searching desperately, and if time runs short, I'll simply try to kick the sucker down.