Overload

Now that I've returned to my reality after a wonderful weekend in fantasy I must move forward in my battle with my disease. It doesn't often occur to me that I have a disease. Disease. The word conjures images of the leper colony in Papillion, of malaria stricken solders in world war two, of polio victims, of dementia sufferers..................... disease, the word, seems somehow synonymous with flesh eating viruses, bacterial infestation, cancer, with plague. I know this tends toward melodrama, but you must consider the source, me, and realize I have entirely too much time on my hands these days, and my mind wanders into the world of the macabre on occasion. Sorry. Well, not really.
Imagination for me can be both a blessing and a curse. I can procure images and film clips of Utopian existence where life is perfect and all my needs are sated, only to splice a horror of a perceived future based upon my true predicament. The term "the mind plays tricks" cannot be overstated. Consider that the mind can wreak havoc upon every aspect of our lives and soon the realization of it's powers and abilities crystallizes. We are our consciousness. We are continually assessing every waking thought. We form complex associations and draw complex conclusions without a second consideration. (ha). If I can analyze all external communication, why not internal? Why can't I assess what's going on within if I'm so adept at all my external dealings? Why couldn't I facilitate communication within myself to get to the root of my problem? Why not try? What do I have to lose? Answers to my questions certainly don't abound, so I might as well start asking myself.
I just began reading a book that Amy insists will help me understand what's really going on here. The book is entitled "The Biology of Belief". This is not a religious text, but more of a biologically themed series of concepts based on cellular communication and associated environmental affects of such communication. I haven't read much yet, and I hope I can grab at the concepts and use them for my benefit. The basic premise, for as little as I can so far determine, is that cellular interaction is not necessarily nucleus based, but rather cytoplasmically based. The community of cells pass information and develop environmentally cohesive bonds. When the environment is disrupted, as in my case with glutamate overproduction, cellular communication takes the hit. So when excessive glutamate flows over my motor neuron cells, they begin to short out, sending erratic signals to my muscles, causing fasciculations and muscular distress, eventually killing the motor neuron and rendering the corresponding muscle cell useless. This process of degeneration continues generally throughout the body, but has been known to halt without intervention. I certainly can't sit around and wait for a chance stoppage, thus I delve and I delve...... A theory of mine is that cellular memory- consider muscle memory- may be restored through the re-education of the cells. The process of glutamate production and control facilitated by certain amino acids gone awry may be restored through the environmental memory. All I need do is remind my cells of how great life was before all hell broke loose with this malfunction. This concept is no different than that within a previous post whereby I convince myself to revert to pre-ALS conditions. All of this is really just a waste of time and energy if I can't speak to myself. If I don't find a way to jump the gorge from conscious to sub- conscious, make changes and believe in them, then my path is likely carved and none of my dreams will come true. So I continue to investigate and I continue to try to see behind my eyes and I continue to salvage all thought and scatter the pieces to the puzzle. I can only hope I can beat the clock in it's assembly.
As an added bonus, I must tell you that recently I had a 14 channel hair analysis performed in order to determine what deficiencies I needed to deal with in order to help my auto immune system function at its best, only too find that all 14 channels showed me to be within the acceptable range. I also did a GI test (look it up, I'm not going into details here) which not only came back as normal, but concluded that I harbored no parasites, a rare occurrence (so I'm told). My gluten was somewhat high, but that's because I eat bread, etc. All of this points to the fact that the only thing wrong with me is ALS. One lousy ailment. One lousy disease. You'd think I could shake it. Well, I continue to try. By all means. All means.
For my next act I will be performing the trick of explaining how many seemingly simple tasks are now so difficult, and how much I enjoy developing more and more creative ways to pull up my pants with one hand. Ha Ha, joke's on me.