Sometimes reality trumps thoughtful processes. Often wishful thinking attempts to derail our natural mechanical rhythms. The resultant cataclysm need not be negative. There can be no battle without the components of both. In my case, the conventional wisdom brought forward to lead the fight is without merit or ability. I've drawn myself through the gauntlet to where I am today, weak and fragile. It is high time I embrace preternatural forces. These include placebo, the best lift in the business, whether it be God, sugar or suggestion. I'm done thinking.
I'm not sure I will survive the necessary process. I'm not sure that I need to. I don't really care. I just ask that I have no more pain. Every time I visit a hospital I leave with the real problem intact. Sure, they focus on what they CAN do. It is not enough any more. This feeding tube is the last for me. It better not break. The little blue pill is working on my gut. The ultrasound, I'm certain, will clarify the condition of my liver and gallbladder. The Trilogy works well.
As of today I'm through with worrying. It is getting me exactly nowhere. I only ask that when the time comes for me to die, it comes quickly and painlessly. I don't want to linger as the masses congregate around my deathbed, pray over me and offer condolences to Amy.
I will write my own obituary because I'm really good at that. (making shit up).
I'm not sure I will survive the necessary process. I'm not sure that I need to. I don't really care. I just ask that I have no more pain. Every time I visit a hospital I leave with the real problem intact. Sure, they focus on what they CAN do. It is not enough any more. This feeding tube is the last for me. It better not break. The little blue pill is working on my gut. The ultrasound, I'm certain, will clarify the condition of my liver and gallbladder. The Trilogy works well.
As of today I'm through with worrying. It is getting me exactly nowhere. I only ask that when the time comes for me to die, it comes quickly and painlessly. I don't want to linger as the masses congregate around my deathbed, pray over me and offer condolences to Amy.
I will write my own obituary because I'm really good at that. (making shit up).
Wishing for the pain relief. A tough time frame sure. I am thankful for Amy and your family.
ReplyDeleteHoping we get to see you in Peoria again.
Sending prayers and comforting thoughts. Darn I wish a know a pain cure that would work for you.
i am sorry to hear life has taken you to this nasty place. i as all wish there were some magic cure for you and of course my unborn grand daughter. if praying were the ONLY answer then i would say go in that direction. i find myself wandering aimlessly in the wonderment of the single question-WHY? if there is anything i can do to help please reach out through Amy.
ReplyDeletei am 'unknown'
ReplyDeleteTracy- I have only posted one or two times, but I read all your posts. You are an amazing person along with Amy. I am only going to say this once and as a sincere from my heart as I can be . I have been a hard sell all my life...a show me type ....on proof there is a God. Events have happened in my life the last 4 years that have me study the bible . Watching the world news as we turn away from God at an exponential rate around the world...so fits as this story has already been written..
ReplyDeleteThe more I gaze into the heavens, the more I see Gods handiwork. I am a numbers guy and all the millions of intricate design in all living things just is mathematically impossible to have evolved out of nothing.
There is an eternity of love and life awaiting for us, if we just believe.
I have always thought if I lived 100 years ...or make it 1000 years of each day exponentially better than the one before, in the end its just over???? If that is all there us, then I would have preferred to have lived none if it.
But with eternity ahead, every second is precious time preparing for it....those in the grave is too late.
You have my solemn prayers to at least consider...."maybe....just maybe there is a God"
God bless you and Amy, and I promise to never respond again...unless asked to. But I have to live with my conscious and SHAME in me had I remained mute.
Stan
Stan- write away! Isn't that what Tracy is always encouraging? If he didn't want to hear others opinions he wouldn't stir the pot so now would he? He would love to KNOW the truth- not just hope for it to BE true. Thank you for your bravery and honesty and reply. I am amazed over and over again at how brave and loyal and encouraging Tracy's readership is. WE both thank you so much.
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