I've come to crystallize what I suspected has inhabited my psyche my entire life. I am not a spiritual human being. I don't buy into chanting or mantra or prayer or healing by committee. Without any form of identification with which to grasp the concept of spiritualism I cannot find peace within myself.
It is obvious that I'm not too hip on religion. To me, it is a contrived, overly complicated, dogma driven bastardization of the very core of simplicity that is the spirituality I don't embrace. In other words, food I don't like left to rot. I might learn to like it, but never if it has gone bad.
At this stage of my life, after a million conversations on this subject, after having read the Koran, Book of Mormon, Dianetics, studied Buddhist belief, Hinduism, Christianity, Judaism, Wicca, Atheism, Satanism, Hare Kristna, Moonies, Ba Hai, etc., I still maintain the core mindset I had in high school. Enough.
Don't tell me I failed to speak to the right people. I managed to bamboozle the priest, Fr Bushe of Holy Family, who, despite my discourse, agreed to marry me and Amy. I screwed with some Mormon missionaries by quoting the Book of (Smith) and asking what it all meant. They suddenly had a schedule to keep and took off running. I found a Baptist young man lingering around my truck and after some discussion discovered he was too busy to come inside my house and further our conversation. These are not isolated incidents. Understand that I don't know shit about any of this. I sadly learned that these people knew less than me, which is to say they knew less than shit.
I'm not saying that any of these belief systems don't work. They all do. For those who believe, they work just fine. I also commend those who are ignorant of their particular faith for spreading the word as spoken to them from their hearts. Placebo or not, its all good. If only I were so inclined.
Belief without comprehension is a hurdle I have trouble clearing. I'm struggling with myself constantly over my disconnect from everything intangible. My imagination is just that - imagination. I suppose my stubborness will be my undoing.
I rag on the very fantasies that may cure me. I minimize the potential of belief as I resist any notion of the suspension of the opposite.
My battle is with me. No other entity is involved. My head is a battlefield upon which a war between dissension and acceptance is being waged.
I'm sure I will benefit from better nutrition. I'm sure that the minimization of stress will comfort me. I'm certain that laughter and happiness will make me feel better.
I have no doubt that I will hang around for quite a long time, committed to discovering exactly what it is I need to believe, what is blind faith, what its like to trust in something without understanding it. My stubborn nature dictates it. If I could overturn even a single stone, I would upend them all.
I am bathed every day in hope though I still stink of doubt. Things gotta change. Gotta. Got to. Better.
I've yet to get my head around mind/body work. I can tug at my ears all day but it just won't bend.
Funny how I refer to my stubbornness as both a negative and positive trait. A civil war therein.
ALS is a pistol loaded with stress, fear, a touch of insecurity, a healthy dose of self imposed responsibility, a nugget of pride, maybe even some anger and frustration. At the trigger is a handful of knocks to the noggin. Whether the trigger is pulled depends on the severity of the ammunition.
It is obvious that I'm not too hip on religion. To me, it is a contrived, overly complicated, dogma driven bastardization of the very core of simplicity that is the spirituality I don't embrace. In other words, food I don't like left to rot. I might learn to like it, but never if it has gone bad.
At this stage of my life, after a million conversations on this subject, after having read the Koran, Book of Mormon, Dianetics, studied Buddhist belief, Hinduism, Christianity, Judaism, Wicca, Atheism, Satanism, Hare Kristna, Moonies, Ba Hai, etc., I still maintain the core mindset I had in high school. Enough.
Don't tell me I failed to speak to the right people. I managed to bamboozle the priest, Fr Bushe of Holy Family, who, despite my discourse, agreed to marry me and Amy. I screwed with some Mormon missionaries by quoting the Book of (Smith) and asking what it all meant. They suddenly had a schedule to keep and took off running. I found a Baptist young man lingering around my truck and after some discussion discovered he was too busy to come inside my house and further our conversation. These are not isolated incidents. Understand that I don't know shit about any of this. I sadly learned that these people knew less than me, which is to say they knew less than shit.
I'm not saying that any of these belief systems don't work. They all do. For those who believe, they work just fine. I also commend those who are ignorant of their particular faith for spreading the word as spoken to them from their hearts. Placebo or not, its all good. If only I were so inclined.
Belief without comprehension is a hurdle I have trouble clearing. I'm struggling with myself constantly over my disconnect from everything intangible. My imagination is just that - imagination. I suppose my stubborness will be my undoing.
I rag on the very fantasies that may cure me. I minimize the potential of belief as I resist any notion of the suspension of the opposite.
My battle is with me. No other entity is involved. My head is a battlefield upon which a war between dissension and acceptance is being waged.
I'm sure I will benefit from better nutrition. I'm sure that the minimization of stress will comfort me. I'm certain that laughter and happiness will make me feel better.
I have no doubt that I will hang around for quite a long time, committed to discovering exactly what it is I need to believe, what is blind faith, what its like to trust in something without understanding it. My stubborn nature dictates it. If I could overturn even a single stone, I would upend them all.
I am bathed every day in hope though I still stink of doubt. Things gotta change. Gotta. Got to. Better.
I've yet to get my head around mind/body work. I can tug at my ears all day but it just won't bend.
Funny how I refer to my stubbornness as both a negative and positive trait. A civil war therein.
ALS is a pistol loaded with stress, fear, a touch of insecurity, a healthy dose of self imposed responsibility, a nugget of pride, maybe even some anger and frustration. At the trigger is a handful of knocks to the noggin. Whether the trigger is pulled depends on the severity of the ammunition.
The thing is, people say you have to believe, but you don't. You need to be vulnerable, and really surrender. Of course the question then is to what. I like t o think that I am surrendering to the Universe itself. There is a poem by Alan watts, "You didn't come out of this world, you came into it like a wave from the ocean" As I read the dissertation on non belief above I hear lots of frustration and anger. with yourself and all religion. You aren't an atheist. You are agnostic :) You want someone to give you a run for your money in the argument arena and you mr. Smarty pants aren't likely to get one. So the solution is simple. Stop arguing. Be at peace with who you are and what believe or don't believe. Everyone including myself wants you to get better. But maybe prayer isn't your path! Try loving your body. There is a Taoist method of energy work called internal smile. See all of your body parts as smiling happy parts. When you find the thing that you feel this is big T truth, this is my path that's where to begin.
ReplyDeleteonly thing I know is its deep enough I need my boots on! you speak your mind as you see it,no one can see what you are seeing now.
ReplyDeleteThanks Dez. I wish we still lived next door so we could have a million conversations and I could teach Vi Taekwondo.
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ReplyDeleteI appreciate your thoughts, Tracy, maybe because they mirror my own. Canned religion doesn't work for me either. I need something organic, fresh, that doesn't leave a stale taste in my mouth.
ReplyDeleteBlind faith is a contradicting term. How can one claim to know without actual knowledge? Maybe I'm jealous of others who believe where I can't. But in my mind, blind faith is like pretending to love someone - It's neither real nor meaningful, and no one benefits from the effort.
Am I a religious person? Oddly enough, yes, I do believe in God. We have a responsibility to seek and find whatever truths resonate in our hearts. Needless to say, I’ve got a lot of work to do.
Ironically, my latest book touches upon some of these ideas. Here's a pulled quote: “The world is God’s masterpiece, and yet Yahweh cannot inhabit this world any more than an artist can live inside their painting. God lives beyond the frame of our lives...”
We will never physically prove God’s existence: Our tools are too primitive, our minds too narrow, and our abilities too limited. How do you measure what’s written in your heart? You can’t. That’s why true faith is a difficult and personal journey.
Dennis is right; we all need to put our boots on… :-)
I don't know if you find any of my ramblings useful, but it is my sincere wish that you find what you seek. You're a smart guy. I have faith in you.