PollyAmy Returns!

Merry Christmas!!!!

After yesterdays PollyPoopy bleak post PollyAmy nagged me all night to say- but wait! What about ME!!!???

Everything I wrote yesterday was and is absolutely true.

This is also 100% true.

I have had such GREAT days celebrating Christmas.

Today on Christmas Eve and I have played volleyball and basketball, eaten great food, worked on presents, called family, watched a Christmas movie and now we are on our NEXT great meal all with the family.

Then on to inside games, more movies, desserts and Santa time!

Yesterday I took the kids to the movies, we have gone out to see the lights, listened to Christmas Music, gone Christmas shopping,  and so much more!

Each and everything I do I think- Tracy would LOVE this, Tracy would hate this, Tracy would never believe this, Tracy would be so excited about this.  I hope Tracy would be happy with my choices this year.  

Thank you all for everything you have done for Tracy and I.

Merry Christmas to All.

Man it's Hard being Him

I had fully intended to keep a very detailed dialog of every fact and emotion that rolled through this ALS journey and have found myself thinking about writing very often but not following through.

Yes, things are so very busy in a wonderful way but the real reason I haven't blathered on endlessly is that it's REALLY HARD to pour out private emotions onto a page for all to dig through or ignore.

At least for me it is.

I marvel at how Tracy could just "put it all out there" for the world to discuss.  He found some relief in sharing his pain and regrets and love and passion.  I would very often cringe at what he called me over to read AFTER he posted.  But so many have contacted us through these past few years, sharing how much his honesty has helped them in amazing unexpected ways, that I thought it is important that I keep it going until this story naturally runs it's course to oblivion.

Like Tracy's life that may happen way sooner than I expected.

I have a tendency to want to share the fun wonderful stuff but not the not so wonderful stuff.  Yes, I am "one of those" who believe it's healthy to focus on positive, what you ARE creating instead of whining about what you didn't get or don't want.  But if the whole point of this endeavor is to actually TELL the story, omitting the less pleasant (huh, okay- sad, lonely, hurtful, miserable things) is a must.

This is why I tend to have long gaps in my writing.

But I am very compelled to share this week because there is so much good.  So much joy.  And yet there is so much sadness and so much pain.

My mother died when I was 25 and I felt it was so unfair that I should have to be without her so young.  I still miss her and still talk to her.  I have learned to live without her.  My heart is no longer broken in that gut wrenching way new grief brings but each new activity brings the thought- oh-Mom would have laughed at that, yep, I have become my mother, this silly crappy kids toy addiction is my Mom's fault....

She LOVED any holiday, as my wonderful fantastic Father does to this day.  Every story, kids mess and kids laughter was met with absolute enjoyment.  I always miss my mom around holidays, not just ON the DAY.  She bought candles she never burned and tons of holiday napkins we never used up.  She actually told us kids- if she ever died, (which she assured us she would do any day)  run into her closet and under her bed and take all of her hoard to our houses so my dad didn't see!  When she did die suddenly of a heart attack, we did as she asked and OMG!  How her Mary Poppins closet housed enough stuff to fill a warehouse is proof of magic!  She loved little silly kids toys and always had new stuff for all 9 (at that time) grand kids any time they came over- no matter how much we pleaded with her NOT to give them another thing!  Us kids laughed about Ben Franklin going out of business if she ever died and yep- within a year they closed.   We laughed about it then and now.  We talk easily about what Mommo loved and how we loved her in our different ways.

Why am I rambling on about my mother on Tracy's blog?

I guess I am trying to get myself to believe something I do not feel AT ALL at this point.

I want to believe there will be a day that I am NOT heart sick at losing my best friend, husband, love....that I will just be.  I will just live.

At this point there isn't but a brief moment here or there that the automatic thought and feeling doesn't come to me- Tracy, can you...Tracy look, I'll ask Tracy, What the hell Tracy, Tracy would looooovveeee this.  In the middle of the night, in my almost sleep I move my foot towards his side of the bed to touch his with no conscious thought until I find the empty space,  I automatically listen to make sure he is okay or open my eyes in the middle of the night to check on him.

It seems the happier I am also the sadder I am.  Each celebration, activity and experience is bittersweet.  They say you can't ACTUALLY DO 2 things at the same time but....mmmm....I am happy AND sad at the same time.  I know as a hypnotist that is impossible but I have lived thru so many impossible things so far that I no longer judge.  It is what it is.

Getting time with the Grands has been so wonderful and Tracy loved his kids and grand kids more than ANY person on the planet.  (Don't even try to compete.  I know, I know you all THINK YOU DO but I am telling ya, not even close).  Those of you who had to put up with his endless bragging about our kids feel free to post about his relentless, shameless detailed mantras you had to endure over and over again. These past couple years the grand boys were his LIFE.  He actually laughed and smiled when they came in to play with him and talk to him and crawl on him and fight over him.

 But each activity I do with the kids and grands, that I am now able to do because he is no longer here, is fun and fantastic and heartbreaking.  I am so looking forward to Christmas and yet I also think- Tracy loved giving gifts.  LOVED it.  He always had to get the BEST for everyone.  He often times couldn't wait until the holiday or birthday because he was SSOOOOOO excited to see our faces he HAD to give it early.  There is an ache knowing he won't get to enjoy that here with us.

One feeling doesn't replace the other. They are both there.  The extra joy really does help to distract from that hole in my heart.  It really does help heal me to get those hugs and cause trouble with the kids.  But man am I weepy this week. That is so not like PollyAmy.  I know it's part of the process because I've been through this with my Mom.  Of course it's different but I thought I would somehow be prepared in some way but ugh-no.

Then my mind automatically drifts to the next first holiday without Tracy- New Years- crap NO distractions from that.  Then his birthday-yikes, then OH NO!!!!  Valentines Day!  Well hell.

But all the OTHER days that aren't holidays are.....yes- just other days without Tracy too.

But I don't want to give you the wrong picture here.  I'm not a weeping sack of misery (most of the time).  I am constantly amazed at how wonderful and thoughtful and caring so so many people have been to me.  I mean I am REALLY agog with the generosity and caring people have shown me.  That stunned amazement does actually anesthetize the pain.  Perhaps not completel,y but wow it sure does help.

I am an old dog that doesn't really like to let go of what I enjoy.  I still very much love the little plastic kitty I got when I was 5 years old from the gumball machine.  I still feel just as wonderful when I remember kindnesses people did for me 35 years ago and the same as I do the ones last week.  I still laugh every time I think about 6:37.  I would much rather have something lived with that has a few character marks than something new.  Getting used to this change that I absolutely did not want at all in any way shape or form is a tough thing for me because I have been pretty spoiled my whole life.  I liked being spoiled.  HAVING to accept this change is a pretty big burr under my saddle beyond having to deal with the loneliness and dealing with the millions of financial challenges.

But here I am and I am doing my best to make the most of it.  To play Tracy and be completely honest, if I thought there was ANY way to dig him up and bring him back (insert Stephen King book or movie visual because Tracy was such a S.K. fan) I would be out there with a shovel (except that we haven't actually buried him anywhere yet).  Yes, there is a small part of my small mind that is calling out to the Universe to rewind time and give us a different option.

My grandson just hollered through the door to see what I am doing.  I am going to surprise the kids today by taking them to a movie.  We had a day of ice skating, shopping, and light looking topped with way too many french fries and ice creams yesterday and it was sooooooo much fun! Today is a sit down day:)

This brings me back to reality.  Life goes on for those whose lives go on.

Thanks for listening.  I sure hope this helps someone through their journey because Dang it's Hard Playing Tracy.

Sorry Folks- It's True

I hate to admit this but the saying You Are What You Eat is true.

Since Tracy left I have put on 10 lbs- none of it muscle.  I sleep way way more but am still tired in a totally different way than before.  I wake with my hands swollen as well as the rest of me.  Old injuries hurt again.  Old gut issue are beginning to resurface.  I now have a sore throat and headache.

Yes, grief is stressful.  Yes I have been partying and socializing.  Yes, I am indeed getting old (at a very fast rate).  Yes, the flu, colds, allergies are going around.

NONE of those is an excuse or reason or explanation of WHY I feel sick for the first time in a very long time.

The truth is ~ I am killing myself with kindness.  

When Tracy was around I fed him mostly organic foods, lots of coconut oil and olive oil,  added supplements, clean water and kept a scheduled eating pattern so this is what I ate often times too.  I massaged his feet with coconut oil or essential oils so I absorbed those too. I made sure he got fresh air and had things to look forward to.  I exercised him which meant I got exercise too.

Now I am "being nice to myself" by eating the yummy things people offer and taking time to relax-ish.  I am busy being busy so I pick at whatever is laying around many times instead of fixing a fresh meal that includes veggies.  Pretend food that is stored in boxes is cheap and doesn't rot so it's so handy to have on the shelf.  I might even go through a drive thru to pick something up with the grandboys (but honestly that very rarely happens- but it could).  I have had more hot chocolates and popcorn in the last month than in the last 2 years.  I snack late- rarely on a vegetables. I'm not being LAZY by not cooking, I am Relaxing because I "deserve it" I tell myself.

So- here is the cold hard truth.

You ARE what you EAT.

If you eat crap- you feel like crap.  If you eat live things that grow- you continue to live and grow.

If you throw potatoes in a drawer and 2 weeks later they still haven't sprouted long roots-Don't EAT them!  It means they have been poisoned with chemicals so bugs won't eat them- which means if you eat them you are eating poison.  Basic logic.

Most of our food, even the organic stuff, even the local stuff, looses much of it's nutrition by the time we get to eat it.  Supplements get bashed for just trying to sell you a product, when in the reality of our lives in the last 4 years, we have found that it is nearly impossible for rich retired intelligent dedicated foodies to get the proper nutrition daily much less those of us with health issues on a budget.  

Tracy was helped so incredibly by nutritional changes and supplements we were both astounded.  Tracy absolutely could not believe, WOULD NOT believe, in the beginning, that nutrition would play any part in healing ALS.  He changed his mind after experiencing for himself how many health issues were healed by changing his diet and adding the right nutrition.

Right now- I am being reminded of just how important that all is.  All the mumbo jumbo, new age, tree hugging, gym bunny rantings are true.

If you have a chronic health issue- suck it up Butter Cup.  Just TRY it for a couple weeks and pay close attention to how you feel if you go back to the OLD ways.

Today it's Chicken Bone Broth Soup, extra water with lemon and Juice Plus vitamins with a probiotic chaser.  You notice I just said for Today.  No big overwhelming promises that stop change.  Today I want to feel better.  Tomorrow I have to function well so I am focused on improving my health today.  One day at a time.  Will I eat junk again.  Yep.  Will I eat as much.  Nope.   KNOWING WHY I feel like poo gives me Control in my life.  Bad health doesn't just happen to the unlucky.  There is a system.  

I hope my journey helps flip a light on for some of you who have suffered with any lengthy health issues.  CHANGE what you eat and see what CHANGES for you.  Eat what grows.  Stop eating processed things that are dead.  

I'm not bitter- I am flabbergasted

Unfortunately for you my grieving process is going to include you, the cyber public. 

Why? Because that is what Tracy would have done and some how that makes me feel better for now.  

And that I want our journey to help as many people as possible NOT to have to go through our journey.  

So, with that said-

I just got a call from the head of HealingALS.org again (that I missed- sorry Tish- call ya back soon) who, in her very very busy schedule, took the time to check on me AGAIN because she cares so much.  I have never actually physically met this person but she has helped Tracy and I personally many times and others uncountable times, out of the kindness of her heart, for no money and quite often at her own personal expense because she CARES.

Compared to:

Tracy's medical GP who just got around to having her assistant call to ask if Tracy would make his appointment on time next week.....that's right.  His OWN DOCTOR didn't know he died 3 weeks ago.  

How is this even possible?

 

Her name, number and address had been given at every ER visit and I filled out every paper they told me to and they asked is it okay to share any and all medical information with any and all medical people and family which I answered emphatically YES.  We had discussed that she was out of the loop before and after his tube replacement surgery in June and Sept so that needed to be improved.  She was aware of his diagnosis because she constantly lectured me about being obsessive and unreasonable about my ridiculous denial issues in trying to heal him.  If she had cared about his CARE at all it seems to me she should have been curious enough to ask why I hadn't called in his INR numbers each Monday as I have for years.  She would have called to say- hey- what ever happened about the Lovenox shots that went on forever that I had called her about?  Who did she think was taking care of his warfarin levels all this time since this was HER job that she complained to me that I let others handle in the past?  How did the hospital doctors not ever even call her once to ask any kind of question about his standard base line health?

How is it the medical doctors can and did look me in the eye and recite repeatedly that we should NOT get sucked in by the scammers and Charlatans promoting "alternative" (common sense) health ideas because as they told us- we don't have the time or money to waste and there is no PROOF that stuff works (except for these people who are still alive through HealingALS.org talking to us).  These "scammers"  have taken the time to call and check on me and offer help in so many ways for no money while our medical doctors didn't even know that Tracy had died weeks earlier.

It's these kinds of issues that people keep telling me to just let go of because it won't bring Tracy back.  I shouldn't upset myself.  How do I live in the world KNOWING this WILL happen to others just like us if no one speaks up and makes them take responsibility for their lack of actions?

What was the point of Tracy blogging every single personal detail of our lives if not to help people in some way since he already knew what he was thinking and feeling?

Now, the truth is that even if Tracy had told me to stop it I would still be highly motivated on this path because it's who I am.  Not what I do.  It's who I am.

So...huh....thank you for listening.

(hhmmm.....Tracy was right.  I do feel a bit better).

And so it begins-

Today is the first day of the rest of my life-without Tracy by my side.

It's a sad terrible feeling among all the joy and surprise and kindness and amazement from the outpouring of love everyone has shown me and our family due to Tracy's sudden departure.

A Departure so surprising that his GP just TODAY- nearly 3 weeks after his passing called to ask if he would be making his appointment on time next week.  

Insert visual of me blinking, nearly batting my eyes and audio of crickets chirping as I processed some kind of response.

The poor gal on the phone was horrified when I dropped the bomb on her that in fact Tracy didn't need their services any more.

Quite honestly I was a bit ticked with them up until this point for not even sending a note or leaving a message on voice mail saying something- anything about his passing that I am now aware that they weren't aware of. 

 Seems that no matter how many stupid forms I filled out, repeatedly, everywhere, each time, saying yes- anyone on the planet having anything to do with medical information with Tracy Boettcher's health could share or talk or email, fax, smoke signal any of it to any other person, being or alien if it could in any way possibly help him, most especially his primary care physician.  

THIS WILL BE ADDRESSED at some point in the future.

The fact that where we left off with his doctor WEEKS earlier was a crisp conversation from her about the fact she was left out of the loop on Tracy's Warfarin meds and Lovenox shots due to an ER visit she knew nothing about (again) should have made her curious enough to keep tabs one would think.  Her omission was barely purposeful on my part and again- she SHOULD have known and been aware since I filled all the paperwork out at the hospital and mentioned to them I catch crap from her for not keeping her in the loop.

His Tube replacement was Sept. 23rd wasn't it?  We were on Lovenox (a painful shot in the gut) for nearly 3 weeks because no one but me seemed to care.  INR never did get right.  Did his doctor not think it was curious he was in ST. David Hospital  ER Oct. 5th in Austin?  I believe I called her about it. I CALLED HER with my own plan of what to do about his INR and diet because she never contacted me or called me back.  She said OK with what I had proposed.  (Why don't I get to charge HER then?)  These are all things in the past I am to let go of now because it doesn't matter....except that it will happen again to the next poor sap that comes through unless I make our suffering at their hands as painful for them as it was for us.  I know, I know...let it go....It's a new day.

So, here we are, NOW.  

"Now" being the day after the most wonderful, lively party to honor Tracy's unique life and family. 

Tracy would have LOVE LOVE LOVED this!!! 

There were tons of fun, interesting, creative, inspiring people from all walks of life there to share love and support in forms of food, music, laughter and sympathy.  

The kids were a hoot as they laughed and screeched and raced around the house in a way that would make Tracy grin and giggle.  They danced wildly to "NickiePaige" (the new duo name from Asa's lips) formerly known as Nick and Paige.  When Bob from the local live jam showed up with his guitar the crowd joined in as he and Nick shared the step- stage from the dinning room, literally playing to a full house.  Food and friends were abundant from the front lawn to the back yard and the weather held out so Bill and the rest of the Evans clan could make the perfect S'mores on the front porch and serve food with smiles and grace.  

We had relatives from Oregon and Eldorado Arkansas helping the magic unfold while Sarah played Mary Poppins and snapped her fingers (perhaps a little more work than that) to make an art gallery of photos, stories and personal treasures come alive to tell Tracy's story.  I can hardly wait to see the new memories Rachel froze in time of people enjoying the old memories. It was heartwarming to see all our families come together to create one big love fest- which was one of Tracy's specialties.

The casual theme was set by the menu from Tracy's cookbook Wednesday Night Feasts created by Rachel as a fund raiser to get us back home this summer for the Tower Park Festival and 2 weeks later to the Illinois Bluesfest, all made possible by YOUR generosity.  Sarah made vats and vats of Tracy's famous chili and gave out cards she designed and created with his recipe on them for all to enjoy, while friends, family and neighbors filled in with delicious dishes of their own for all to feast on.

Thank you all who told, emailed and shared stories with me about how you knew Tracy, many of which made our gallery wall that allowed all to get to know Tracy a bit better.  Many people shared trinkets and treasures, gifts, cards and gift cards which really do help.

Speaking of sharing.  Unfortunately Tracy shared his celebration day with my best friend's family who also lost a dear husband in a shocking passing this past week.  Jamil Couri, husband to Aggie Tony Couri, passed in his sleep while on a vacation cruise together out of the country.  Aggie, Mary Cagle and Al Tony have been so amazingly giving and loving to Tracy and I throughout our whole journey.  I am so sad we couldn't be there with them physically but they all were celebrated right along with Tracy last night.

I have been surprised by many things as of late but the creativity and generosity of people continues to make my soul fly and my head reel.  There are so many thoughtful- and I mean- people, who put a LOT of thought into ways to help us, out there.  

Since I am new to this whole widow business I am surprised at the amount of sorting and organizing and health business and phone calls and paperwork and costs and housework there is to do.  But the rest of the world evidently has every idea and has taken steps to do whatever they can to make this process so much easier for me/us.

Spiritual help and prayers, gas gift cards, paper goods, actual cash money, babysitting, jewelry,  offers to let me visit or vacation or hide out or move in, guilt free movie tickets, recipes, art, cards, dinners, inspirational sayings, emails, messages, letters and even coasters, personal momentos, songs, hugs, pictures, invitations to join groups, clubs and meetings..... and on and on.

Absolutely, without a doubt, there is no way I could have made it this far without all the help you have shared with us.  

This whole journey has been overwhelming in so many ways but now I am really overwhelmed in a wonderful way.

I wish I had all the outrageously creative words Tracy would have used to express my deepest gratitude for all you have done and continue to do for us/me.

For now it's all wrapped up in Thank You.

Love, 

Amy and Tracy

He's Baaaaccckkk

Just thought I should let you know, and I don't really know why I think that, except I think that Tracy would have let you know if he was here, and since he is now, I am, for him...letting you know that he is here.

We (meaning my wonderful son in law) picked up his ashes today and brought him home until we recycle him to the earth in some magnificent Tracy style.

Bungee jumping?

Sky Diving?

Off some roof of a giant home he built?

Have a class of TKD kids kick him into oblivion?

Make him into a craft project ( this one has gotten a number of votes and is leading the pack)?

Take him on a beautiful vacation and leave him there?

Blend him with his other relatives that have gone before?

I'd love to hear your ideas.

 

Courage under Fire

I fully intended to share the roller coaster of Tracy's continuing journey and past in the same forth right blunt style my man had thrilled you with but the nitty and often very gritty details strangle the voice from my fingers.

The amount of courage it takes to spew honesty the pleasant and many not so pleasant twists and turns has eluded me for now.  I am so disappointed about that and hope to summon the courage it takes to tell his truth in a way that would make Tracy proud.

Tracy's "Gone Away Party" = Celebration of Life,  will be on Sunday.  As the day looms closer I have very mixed feelings as I have had emotional "mine" bombs (or should I say Mind Bombs) at surprisingly "miner" events which in hind sight I guess I should have seen coming while laughing joyfully through more obviously prickly productions.  So instead of flamboyantly dancing through the fields rejoicing Tracy's uniqueness I am beginning to hesitate, creeping like the impending victim in the horror flicks Tracy so loved.  That is so not ME! I say to myself...and yet, here I am.  The new Me yet undiscovered, Jack in the Boxing emotions and ideas to the events that are rolling at me with Tsunami like speed.  Hold on folks, we are in for a bumpy ride.  Looks like the PollyAmy personality in my Sybil has taken a back seat for now, projecting a new character.  I hope she is a strong one.

Ironically, now that I have gotten enough sleep to begin to function again. it keeps me from sleeping very well.   Another Zig to the ALS Zag.