I had fully intended to keep a very detailed dialog of every fact and emotion that rolled through this ALS journey and have found myself thinking about writing very often but not following through.
Yes, things are so very busy in a wonderful way but the real reason I haven't blathered on endlessly is that it's REALLY HARD to pour out private emotions onto a page for all to dig through or ignore.
At least for me it is.
I marvel at how Tracy could just "put it all out there" for the world to discuss. He found some relief in sharing his pain and regrets and love and passion. I would very often cringe at what he called me over to read AFTER he posted. But so many have contacted us through these past few years, sharing how much his honesty has helped them in amazing unexpected ways, that I thought it is important that I keep it going until this story naturally runs it's course to oblivion.
Like Tracy's life that may happen way sooner than I expected.
I have a tendency to want to share the fun wonderful stuff but not the not so wonderful stuff. Yes, I am "one of those" who believe it's healthy to focus on positive, what you ARE creating instead of whining about what you didn't get or don't want. But if the whole point of this endeavor is to actually TELL the story, omitting the less pleasant (huh, okay- sad, lonely, hurtful, miserable things) is a must.
This is why I tend to have long gaps in my writing.
But I am very compelled to share this week because there is so much good. So much joy. And yet there is so much sadness and so much pain.
My mother died when I was 25 and I felt it was so unfair that I should have to be without her so young. I still miss her and still talk to her. I have learned to live without her. My heart is no longer broken in that gut wrenching way new grief brings but each new activity brings the thought- oh-Mom would have laughed at that, yep, I have become my mother, this silly crappy kids toy addiction is my Mom's fault....
She LOVED any holiday, as my wonderful fantastic Father does to this day. Every story, kids mess and kids laughter was met with absolute enjoyment. I always miss my mom around holidays, not just ON the DAY. She bought candles she never burned and tons of holiday napkins we never used up. She actually told us kids- if she ever died, (which she assured us she would do any day) run into her closet and under her bed and take all of her hoard to our houses so my dad didn't see! When she did die suddenly of a heart attack, we did as she asked and OMG! How her Mary Poppins closet housed enough stuff to fill a warehouse is proof of magic! She loved little silly kids toys and always had new stuff for all 9 (at that time) grand kids any time they came over- no matter how much we pleaded with her NOT to give them another thing! Us kids laughed about Ben Franklin going out of business if she ever died and yep- within a year they closed. We laughed about it then and now. We talk easily about what Mommo loved and how we loved her in our different ways.
Why am I rambling on about my mother on Tracy's blog?
I guess I am trying to get myself to believe something I do not feel AT ALL at this point.
I want to believe there will be a day that I am NOT heart sick at losing my best friend, husband, love....that I will just be. I will just live.
At this point there isn't but a brief moment here or there that the automatic thought and feeling doesn't come to me- Tracy, can you...Tracy look, I'll ask Tracy, What the hell Tracy, Tracy would looooovveeee this. In the middle of the night, in my almost sleep I move my foot towards his side of the bed to touch his with no conscious thought until I find the empty space, I automatically listen to make sure he is okay or open my eyes in the middle of the night to check on him.
It seems the happier I am also the sadder I am. Each celebration, activity and experience is bittersweet. They say you can't ACTUALLY DO 2 things at the same time but....mmmm....I am happy AND sad at the same time. I know as a hypnotist that is impossible but I have lived thru so many impossible things so far that I no longer judge. It is what it is.
Getting time with the Grands has been so wonderful and Tracy loved his kids and grand kids more than ANY person on the planet. (Don't even try to compete. I know, I know you all THINK YOU DO but I am telling ya, not even close). Those of you who had to put up with his endless bragging about our kids feel free to post about his relentless, shameless detailed mantras you had to endure over and over again. These past couple years the grand boys were his LIFE. He actually laughed and smiled when they came in to play with him and talk to him and crawl on him and fight over him.
But each activity I do with the kids and grands, that I am now able to do because he is no longer here, is fun and fantastic and heartbreaking. I am so looking forward to Christmas and yet I also think- Tracy loved giving gifts. LOVED it. He always had to get the BEST for everyone. He often times couldn't wait until the holiday or birthday because he was SSOOOOOO excited to see our faces he HAD to give it early. There is an ache knowing he won't get to enjoy that here with us.
One feeling doesn't replace the other. They are both there. The extra joy really does help to distract from that hole in my heart. It really does help heal me to get those hugs and cause trouble with the kids. But man am I weepy this week. That is so not like PollyAmy. I know it's part of the process because I've been through this with my Mom. Of course it's different but I thought I would somehow be prepared in some way but ugh-no.
Then my mind automatically drifts to the next first holiday without Tracy- New Years- crap NO distractions from that. Then his birthday-yikes, then OH NO!!!! Valentines Day! Well hell.
But all the OTHER days that aren't holidays are.....yes- just other days without Tracy too.
But I don't want to give you the wrong picture here. I'm not a weeping sack of misery (most of the time). I am constantly amazed at how wonderful and thoughtful and caring so so many people have been to me. I mean I am REALLY agog with the generosity and caring people have shown me. That stunned amazement does actually anesthetize the pain. Perhaps not completel,y but wow it sure does help.
I am an old dog that doesn't really like to let go of what I enjoy. I still very much love the little plastic kitty I got when I was 5 years old from the gumball machine. I still feel just as wonderful when I remember kindnesses people did for me 35 years ago and the same as I do the ones last week. I still laugh every time I think about 6:37. I would much rather have something lived with that has a few character marks than something new. Getting used to this change that I absolutely did not want at all in any way shape or form is a tough thing for me because I have been pretty spoiled my whole life. I liked being spoiled. HAVING to accept this change is a pretty big burr under my saddle beyond having to deal with the loneliness and dealing with the millions of financial challenges.
But here I am and I am doing my best to make the most of it. To play Tracy and be completely honest, if I thought there was ANY way to dig him up and bring him back (insert Stephen King book or movie visual because Tracy was such a S.K. fan) I would be out there with a shovel (except that we haven't actually buried him anywhere yet). Yes, there is a small part of my small mind that is calling out to the Universe to rewind time and give us a different option.
My grandson just hollered through the door to see what I am doing. I am going to surprise the kids today by taking them to a movie. We had a day of ice skating, shopping, and light looking topped with way too many french fries and ice creams yesterday and it was sooooooo much fun! Today is a sit down day:)
This brings me back to reality. Life goes on for those whose lives go on.
Thanks for listening. I sure hope this helps someone through their journey because Dang it's Hard Playing Tracy.
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