New Year

Am I right or am I right?

2016 

was a terrible year 

for so many people for so many reasons.

Even PollyAmy

 has to admit

 this has been an exceptionally rough one.

Holidays, in general, bring their own set of challenges for any family but most 

especially for those who have lost a loved one in this past year.

Not only did I deal with Tracy being gone but I also had at least 6 other

friends or family members that lost someone in this past year as well.

Knowing exactly what they are going thru is more of a reliving than just a sympathizing for me now.

Learning to deal with the emotional roller coaster that bushwhacks us just

when we are so proud of how we are holding up is energy draining to say the least.

But I have to say,

 this Christmas was a bit easier to navigate

 than the last.

It's not that I miss Tracy any less.  

It's more like getting a limb lopped off.

You always wish you had it back.

I just learned to deal with the loss better I think.  

I still miss everything

(yes, even the "bad stuff")

 about our old life.   

That is the new realization for me this year.

Now I am aware of mourning, not just the person,

 but also the traditions, life style and past comforts.  

I miss my friends, home of over 30 years, freedoms and family back home.

 All these things I now have time to miss.

I am not the kind of person

 that yearns for NEW things.  

I have always loved my old things

(much to Tracy's dismay).

They have history and energy and stories.  

Tracy loved the adventure and excitement of getting 

whatever the next new gadget on the market was.

 New cars, clothes, electronics, etc... brought a gleam to his eyes!

I often joked with him that I was surprised

he hadn't traded me in for a new model.

But I do understand the only constant is change.

I'm not thrilled about it,

 but I am doing my best to make decisions that

will allow me to create my own new life,

which is kind of weird since I never had my own

old life.  

I have only been a "we" never a "me" before this. 

The fact I never wanted this freedom makes moving towards it even more difficult.

The New Year brings resolutions for improvements.

Trying to imagine what I could or should be

doing in the next year seems impossible since I never in a million years, 

thought 

I would be in the position I am in now.  

To me- Literally - 

ANYTHING is possible

because I have experienced the impossible.  

As I discussed the pros and cons of decisions for independent living, 

work, expenses, my future...., my daughter made a comment to me as I was listing

all my concerns.  

Suddenly she said- Who are you?!

(Rather exasperated)

She was taken aback as I was focusing on the "real" grown up, tangible concerns

and decisions that will surely go along with a new life.

She emphatically reminded me of what I would 

(and do) 

say to

others who get wrapped up in their imagination of "what if's".

It really was a wake up moment for me.

No one knows what the future will hold

 no matter how

hard you try to prepare for it.

(I still believe a moderate amount of preparation is 

necessary in life to keep from taking advantage of 

others hard work).

This year's resolution:

The shoulds will be replaced by the 

want to's or gonna do's.

Desire and passion are in the forefront.

The problem for me is balancing what I want

(to have Tracy back) with what is reasonable-

which I am absolutely not equipped to handle

as it has NEVER been a description referring to me and I say that

with NO apology.

The compromise puts me back into the

 ALS arena I believe.

I can find no way out because I refuse to let those 

struggling in the madness of how this disease is 

handled, suffer needlessly while drowning in misinformation

and skewed thinking.

I refuse to let all that we learned in our journey

die with Tracy

 because I KNOW for a fact it can help others.

If it wasn't for those kind souls who remained in the trenches,

who fearlessly and generously helped us, 

I don't know how

long we would have made it.  

I can't LIVE in the past.

I can only learn from the past and apply it to NOW.

So as I have pondered ending Tracy's blog with the new year, 

because let's face it-

I am not the master wordsmith he was,

I think for now

I will do my best to continue imparting 

(what I consider as) 

words of wisdom

in hopes that our journey can help heal the world, not only of  ALS

 but also the medical madness

 that goes along with the diagnosis.

I wish for you all Peace, Love and Joy 

because

the truth is-

That is all that really matters.