Father's Day

I tried and tried to get the internet to work yesterday to put up a Father's Day Post saying how great Tracy is/was. 

I think Tracy didn't want me to bum people out whining so he put everything on the fritz- so like him.

 I can't say Happy Father's Day 'cause it was surprisingly hard to get thru.  People are always surprised when I am surprised.  But I truly am. 

These couple weeks leading up to it sent me back to the first weeks Tracy left the planet.  Kind of Sucko, even tho our kids did everything they could to make sure I was ok and had a happy day.  

It was hard on all of them as well - which selfishly made me feel a bit better cause it's not just me refusing to move on, I say to myself as I lecture me about pulling myself together for goodness sakes.  

I never used to be such a whiner!!!  Ugh.

Where the hell is PollyAmy??

Luckily 2 of the 3 grand boys had birthdays this weekend and then Tim, my son in law got a blip of recognition for his contribution in the fathering field.  These were great distractions but everything is bittersweet.  

Hard to NOT go shopping in the men's departments anymore. Hard to not look over to see him laughing at the  grand kids antics.

I took the kids to Chuck E. Cheese- NOT a Tracy place, but he loved to see the kids have fun and HE loved video games so I am sure I saved about $100 not having him there.  Not nearly enough danger for him and the kids in his mind I'm sure. He would have wanted me to take them dirt bike racing or bungee jumping.

 We went to Finding Dory- which he would have liked (because between watching Kungfu movies and watching people's heads explode he loved the kids movies and Planet Earth documentaries)  but he would have LOVED taking the kids to the movies and having Isaac sit up in our laps during the scary parts. 

 Tracy loved, LOVED, LOVED going to the movies.  

If it was a rainy day -his best buddy and co-He-Man at the job site, Jim, got rained out and they went to the movies.  If it was too nice of a day- They got "NICED OUT" and went to the movies.  If he was the only one at the job and couldn't get stuff done....If they got a job done early- They celebrated and went to the movies.

  Now I thought he was out busting his buns so I could eat and buy paint supplies to find out during casual conversations weeks later, usually with other friends, he knew ALL about some movie. 

 I'd say- HEY!  I thought you were going to take ME to that and he'd give me "that look" and make up some ridiculous story knowing I wasn't gonna fall for it.  Or he'd say-I took YOU.  Don't you remember? (knowing I never seem to remember the first 2/3 of most movies I see anyway).  Then he'd offer to take me so he could see it AGAIN if it was good (and even when they weren't).

Then we went to a Chinese Buffet here in Dallas (cause I conned Isaac into conning Asa into saying it to his parents as his Go To Birthday Dinner wish- yep, I'm a bad Granny B).  Tracy loved what we referred to as Cat Head Buffet in Peoria (that is now closed due to Health Code violations (we probably weren't kidding with that name)  and he would eat enough bad sushi with buckets o' Wasabi for at least 10 -300 lb men .  I opted to just enjoy the other men's plates mounded to the point of spilling over with creepy creatures of the deep and got deep fried everything and sticky rice.

I thought having Halloween 3 days after he died was hard, then Thanksgiving, one of his favorite holidays because it's not religious and it was about bringing fun and family and food together (sooo Tracy) then Christmas, with all the presents and the grand kids (he LOVED to buy presents for people) then New Years- reflection of the past year....Then his birthday Jan. 30th.  

All this in just a few weeks from his passing.  

I thought- Man, I can do anything now that I have THAT over.  

But no.

It's a FULL year of firsts.  First Father's Day without him.  First kids birthdays without him.  First...ugh.

The other hiccup in posting is that I don't have any pictures of the ACTUAL Tracy.  I only have computer pictures of the ALS Tracy.   

That was so NOT him- except in the way he handled it all.

He was so embarrassed to have pictures that showed his hands.  He was not especially vain.  He had such pride in his strength and was so competitive. He could drive a 16d nail in 3 hits consistently.  A tap, a hit and a finish without waffling the wood.  Always amazed me.

But he was a pretty good sport about me clicking away.

 I hope to find a way to get pictures on here of Tracy from our youth.  

Another miracle to create.

Father's Day was especially challenging because there is/was no man on this Earth that was prouder of his kids or grand kids as Tracy.  He would do ANYTHING for them- even when I was bitching in the background that he was spoiling them rotten and it wasn't a good thing and....Didn't make him no never mind.  The kids always thought we exaggerated to people to make them feel good.  Nope.  Tracy was excruciatingly exuberant about sharing every single little burp and giggle to EVERYONE about EVERYTHING our kids did, thought about doing, Could do but didn't.....Tracy was an ALL IN kind of guy.  No limits on his passions. He truly believed his kids were better- (yep, I'm playing Tracy and telling the absolute truth here no matter who UN PC it is) in every single way than anyone else on Earth and no matter how many times I tried to say- every parent feels that way- he'd say- yes, but I'm right:)

So every time I look at our kids and grands I can't help but think how proud Tracy would be and how much he would have loved to see this and that and what he'd want to do to help them reach their dreams.  He still is.  Just from the other side.

Miss ya big man.

Happy Father's Day

I guess it's NOT ALL his fault

Those of you who have followed our story for a while know I love to blame everything on Tracy. 

Even tho he's not here now that doesn't stop me.  Some things never change.

I used to nag Tracy for spending so much on tools.

Yes.  He was a fabulous builder but Tracy LOVED NEW tools. 

He loved the BEST tools. 

He only wanted ME to have the BEST tools.

I would Never spend the money on top quality and had the make due mentality. 

Made Tracy crazy!!!

Every time I hear a slap stapler or electric saw I have to look.  The smell of warm sawdust will be like perfume to me forever.  Our love of wood was one of our common passions.

Tracy would see all the craft creations I cut out and laugh that he could build a million dollar mansion with all that wood.  I often would dive into the flames at the job site burn piles rescuing future imagined treasures as Tracy called to Jim -

 QUICK!!!  Here she comes!

Throw the rest on before she gets here!!!

I was at Home Depot today to get things for work and was drawn like a magnet to the tool section (via the ooopppsss sale paint shelf).  I pretended to look at sand paper for upcoming classes for Studio Bella and even a drill bit or two but really...

it was the power tools I was interested in.

As usual, I just HAD to check out the drill press and the band saw, both tools I miss so very much as they "didn't make the cut" (yes, that was a tool pun) when we moved from Peoria.  

Do you know Ryobi makes a 9" table top model for just $129?  It's not the grand JET mega model Tracy gave me as a gift that was adopted out before we left but what a deal right?

I bought a used Demel scroll saw here for $40 at a garage sale in the neighborhood a few years ago as a birthday present to myself that I have used and abused as a replacement for my Frankensaw from back home.  I wish I would have taken a picture of that monster band saw that was an old cast iron Craftsman. It was missing parts including the rubber on one of the wheels and had a wall switch box for the on/off switch.  I am pretty sure I got it as a hand me down from my sister Suza when she upgraded about a billion years back. 

Then I saw the portable table saw which I most likely would cut my fingers off with ( I know I know- the preposition at the end- I hear ya Tracy) but I lust after anyway.  Tracy would tell me that it's CRAP and to do a good job you have to have a GOOD TOOL.  He could justify ANY tool like I do a book or can of paint.  I would huff at the expense then secretly hope he would buy it, leave it out, think it got stolen or forget he had it when he got a new one and I would acquire it.

As I looked to upgrade what I did bring sadness set in.

I couldn't even find batteries for my 2 old Ryobi drills that I love because they have the magnet for extra bits when you change back and forth from drill to screwdriver tips.  Tracy was smart enough to get me 2 drills so I didn't have to stop and change bits.  I didn't even SEE Makita batteries for anything much less my other drill.

The Hitachi Reciprocating Saw Tracy got me before he left has the Lithium Ion battery so that should be good for a while.  People thought, what a dumb gift to give me when I needed clothes or could have gone to dinner but I assure you I have enjoyed it more than make up and a bucket of popcorn.

 I can't replace the battery in my old Black and Decker electric screw driver which I'm bummed about.  I still have it plugged in even tho it doesn't hold a charge any more. I keep hoping it will come back from the dead.  

(Reoccurring theme in my life at this time).  

The DeWalt construction radio uses the same battery as the small circular saw Tracy gave me but again...huh...it doesn't hold a charge well enough to cut and the blade is the same one I had 5 years ago.

I sure wish I could find someone to work on the Porter Cable Jigsaw that was Tracy's.  I have a junker jigsaw but man the Porter cuts like butter when it works.  I think it's just a faulty cord but Tracy thought it was more than that.  I couldn't justify the expense (cause I'm a cheapskate) of finding out but I keep hoping I find someone in the neighborhood who likes to tinker.  

I think of all the silly things we brought with us from Peoria like they were so important and how we sold off all the tools we both loved because I thought we would never have time or reason to use them again and I could just kick myself.

Now that I am working with Studio Bella and sending projects to DecoArt and working on my ETSY shop my old addictions are kicking back in.

I always thought it was MOSTLY Tracy who had the thing for tools but I can see now....

I might have misjudged that.