Well a huge question has been answered for me today.
My friend Tish who created HealingALS.org sent me a couple videos that I didn't really have time to watch but I could resist and then I was completely sucked in.
They are actually about healing Cancer.
Why am I all lit on fire about them and what question did they answer for me?
The question is - will I ever get my drive, determination and fire back.
The answer is definitely YES!
Since Tracy left the planet I just haven't taken the time or had the energy to research and study and be obsessive about anything like when he was here. I literally studied every single night for more than 4 years to find people who have healed ALS in themselves or others and how they did it. I had cross referenced those findings with spontaneous healings of other diseases with those of ALS. I learned about nutrition, detoxing, Ozone Therapy, Hypnosis, psychotherapy, energy work, religious miracles.....on and on. I was possessed to do so.
In these past months, post Tracy, I have focused on trying to heal myself physically, mentally and emotionally, as the life style of a caregiver probably ranks close to those who work on a bomb squad for Stressful jobs.
I am happy and I do laugh but that something missing feeling is always there. There is nothing that feels THAT important now. Problems are just inconvenient- not the END of the World now that I have experienced the end of my world.
I want to finish the book I am reading but I wouldn't bet on it. I want to do well in my job but I'm no longer willing to sacrifice family time. I want to paint and get orders but I don't seem to get the gumption to really get on it. I am doing my best to do my best but....huh...that glorious gut driven passion has been missing- until now.
I have been basically forcing myself to share personal emotional information because I think Tracy would appreciate it and that I KNOW he has helped so many with his honesty and openness. After what we have been through and how much so many have done to help us I am absolutely committed to doing anything I can to pass that along to those just entering this abyss of insanity called ALS diagnosis or any other chronic disease.
What I am going to admit here is that I have been holding back. I have been sharing the things that I felt TRACY would have shared. They are not the things I want to share.
But why?
Why haven't I shared those things?
Because the truth is -
NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR THE TRUTH.
Wait, wait...now...wait....
Before you get all indignant and offended HEAR me out.
What I WILL be writing about is gonna put me back into that familiar unpopular place I have been since I decided that a lot of the doctors were full of crap and said so- which was the day we were diagnosed and they offered ME drugs after they offered Tracy drugs as a solution. Not all doctors. But a LOT of them are cowards and their egos get in the way of common sense.
It's upsetting to my kids and my extended family and my friends and doctors to hear my "opinions" of how poorly things are handled on so many levels in the roller coaster of the medical nightmare we are pitched into with no warning. It's upsetting to them because they believe I am upsetting myself for NO GOOD REASON. "It's not going to bring him back you know"- I hear their minds and hearts scream at me while they smile and nod sympathetically as I rant yet again about the injustice of it all. "Put it out of your mind so you can heal yourself". "It's YOUR time now". "It's over". "You lost". "There is nothing more you could have done".
The truth is it's NOT done. It will NEVER be DONE. It IS a fact of life. Death is a fact of Life. Ignoring it doesn't make it less true. It makes some people more comfortable- until they are Forced to deal with it.
It- being our experiences- are real, not imagined. Choosing to NOT THINK about them isn't dealing with them. It's avoiding them. It's denying them. These are the same unhealthy attitudes that create emotional and neurological issues that turn into chronic diseases that no one seems to know how to deal with.
I have recently made an effort to keep my big yap shut ( a HUGE drain on my energy) about those things that make people cringe or sigh or cry because I like people to be happy.
Well, I am people too and I don't feel I will really heal unless I at least make an effort to express the truth of what I have learned on our ALS journey.
You can like it or not. You can ignore it. You can pretend I am in denial, uneducated, over emotional, venting, in shock or any other dismissive title to explain away the truth of what I AM going to share with you over the next coming weeks.
What has fanned the fire in me to create such an explosive reaction?
These videos I have posted here with
Dr. William (Bill) Bengston.
It's not his repeated studies that PROVE scientifically he has healed cancers in mice and expects to in people.
It's the comments he makes throughout his video that highly educated people in the medical and research fields absolutely refuse to have anything to do with him after they find out- he is right.
I have experienced the exact same frustrating thing.
THIS is why I am all lit on fire.
He mentions that when you change the foundation of ones beliefs they have no way to COMFORTABLY process this new information. They resent him. They are afraid of him. They are confused by him. They don't know what to do or how to act if they except his findings that they now KNOW are TRUE.
They ALL AVOID the truth because THEY would have to change THEIR lives.
So sorry folks, I am about to change your lives because you can't UNKNOW something.
Understand now that if you choose to read these upcoming posts it is with the responsibility of KNOWING things that can and will some day change the world. Are you going to be part of that process or part of slowing down that process because no matter what, it IS going to happen?
To choose to do nothing is still making a choice.
I am now forcing you to make a choice.
You have no choice about it now:)
Yes. I have just done the unthinkable to you all.
I have FORCED you, those I love and care about, those who have sacrificed so much for Tracy and I,
I have now Forced you to let go of your
Bliss of Ignorance
to slide down into the deep dark trenches of the truth,
as unpopular as that may be.
I am sorry/not sorry.
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