Doing Too Well

Life has swept me off my feet and back into the raging rivers of activity.

With many offers to come hide away, to starting businesses on my own and with others, travel, health reform, authoring books, magazines, articles, art, children's activities... my mind and heart are overflowing with the endless possibilities and appreciation.  It's all exciting and invigorating and humbling. 

I think it's important to share that there is not enough activity in the universe to completely distract me from the realities of change forced upon me.  

Each and every action is still preceded or followed by or interrupted by the thought  "Tracy would have".  Whether I see his shirts or fix a meal or consider an action or make a bed HE is there.  

I left OUR environment to be peaceful and unreminded of all that I have lost and what must change but no matter where I go- there WE are.   I almost said today that I will be glad when I just have a thought about me ( but I couldn't even finish thinking it much less say it). I do look forward to No preamble or post amble.  Just -here is where I am going.  Here is what I am doing.  But this is all NEW territory.  There is nothing I am going back to.  I have never been just ME.  I went from my parents house to OUR house.  From the moment we met in high school it was US.  I was either going to be with him or not with him but HIM was always there in every consideration.  It's like losing a limb.  I had learned to function as two.  It's not like I sit around bemoaning the facts of what I have lost constantly but now I have to learn how to be and who to be as only a half of me.  It is such a strange feeling.

I've had those who have lost ask me how I am doing so well.  What am I doing to get through this devastation and still be able to function.  There are those who are afraid I am doing TOO well, perhaps worried I am still in denial, in shock.

All I can say is - here is where I am.  This is the day I have.  If it doesn't make me or someone else happier or healthier- why do it?  When I am sad I am sad but I feel no obligation to STAY there.  If I am painting and feel like crying I do.   When my grands are hilarious I laugh and I wish Tracy was here to laugh with me.  When our kids are amazing I am so proud and I know Tracy is so proud too.  

Living with ALS instead of Dying of it like we were told to do over and over taught us both- don't waste a single second of life.  Every moment is important and a gift.  If you wait until you have everything the way you want it to be happy you will waste your life.  The way to find happiness is to CHOOSE to BE happy.

Am I pissed I didn't get my way and heal Tracy completely immediately- you bet I am.  Am I going to continue to work to change how ALS is diagnosed and dealt with. Absolutely.  But making myself miserable as if suffering will help me heal makes no sense to me.  I am learning to be me, something I never wanted to do.  My only choice is to do the best I can with what I have.  I don't understand how to be any other way.  Maybe I will feel totally different a month from now or a year from now.

Only time will tell if I am doing Too Well.