It's 1 am.
I went to sleep several hours ago.
I drifted awake with the longing of wishing Tracy was still here and the memories of why he is not.
I want to tell him every comment, every silliness, every idea, every emotion that has played through me over the last few fun filled days.
So much excitement and friendship.
It's strange to realize that all the distractions, the getting on with life, that I thought was supposed to help me move-........................... forward? in and with life, instead of just wallow in the sadness of what I have lost, what the world has lost, only shines a brighter light on what I miss.
The idea that somehow being able to physically get yourself to DO something in someway proves that you are going to be okay in functioning in life as a whole person seems outrageously ludicrous at this moment.
Is this why most people sit on a stump, crying in their soup after such a loss as I have had? Because the sadness aligned next to the grief seems more comfortable because of the lack of distance between the two?
Is it the CONTRAST of emotions that shines a brighter light making the pain MORE obvious than less when you allow yourself to enjoy the love and life around you?
It seems it's true. The more things change the more they stay the same.
The more happiness I make time for the more I long for what I have lost because I want to share my happiness with Tracy.
There is a sudden panic for me, in me, that This IS my life now and may be forever.
All the assurances, that in a year, that magic mile marker that seems to come from everyone's lips, that somehow Time will be on my side and I will feel differently than I do right now, That I will feel Better, Or I will feel less, seem as likely as winning that billion dollar lottery I bought a ticket for and didn't bother to check to see if I won.
I rarely live in fear because I see no purpose in it, but at this moment the idea that is dawning on me is the honest possible reality that this could be it. That how I feel is how I will always feel.
I still enjoy the memory of the birthday card I got from my Aunt Jane 52 years ago. The fun silly beautiful colorful elephant card with big plastic gemstones on it still makes me feel happy. The wonderful plastic little kitty toy I got out of the gumball machine 50 years ago still engages my imagination and emotions. I still laugh and snort at 6:37.
I can't REMEMBER what I did last week because that is THINKING.
But I the FEELINGS are fresh as yesterday for things I have experienced a lifetime ago or 3 months ago.
What if this IS IT? What if this longing is permanent?
I compare the loss of my mother to this loss of my life. The loss of my husband, lover, friend, job, neighborhood, house, belongings, energy, my identity. I thought perhaps learning to live without my mother but still missing her would have taught me how to process this~ but no.
I can see now why people choose to be sad for a while and not let happiness into their lives after a loss like mine. I am not capable of that but I now understand it better. Happiness does not distract from the sadness. They are two totally different things. They coexist.
It's not that I am happy OR sad. I am happy AND sad.
As a hypnotist I know logically you can not feel both at the same exact time they say. But the speed and intensity of the constant exchange between the two creates a new vibration in me.
I can say quite honestly I don't like it much at this moment and yet I can't wish it away. I have no interest in NOT feeling so I don't feel bad because then the good would have to go with it.
I would never want to lose the good of what I have had. I don't want to not think of Tracy because there is sad mixed in with the wonderful. I am so lucky that I have had it so good and was so loved by such an interesting, brilliant, crazy, irritating, creative wild man.
I keep pouring out onto this blog everything I can because it is how Tracy processed so successfully. I keep hoping that somehow, someway it is helping me or someone else.
It's embarrassing and uncomfortable for me to do so and yet I am compelled to do it. If Tracy had the strength and courage to do it I feel obligated to continue something that was so important to him.
I was hoping that talking out loud on this pretend paper would somehow clarify an idea or emotion that would help me feel that I will feel better some how some way some day.
But for now it seems to me the more things change, the more they stay the same.
I went to sleep several hours ago.
I drifted awake with the longing of wishing Tracy was still here and the memories of why he is not.
I want to tell him every comment, every silliness, every idea, every emotion that has played through me over the last few fun filled days.
So much excitement and friendship.
It's strange to realize that all the distractions, the getting on with life, that I thought was supposed to help me move-........................... forward? in and with life, instead of just wallow in the sadness of what I have lost, what the world has lost, only shines a brighter light on what I miss.
The idea that somehow being able to physically get yourself to DO something in someway proves that you are going to be okay in functioning in life as a whole person seems outrageously ludicrous at this moment.
Is this why most people sit on a stump, crying in their soup after such a loss as I have had? Because the sadness aligned next to the grief seems more comfortable because of the lack of distance between the two?
Is it the CONTRAST of emotions that shines a brighter light making the pain MORE obvious than less when you allow yourself to enjoy the love and life around you?
It seems it's true. The more things change the more they stay the same.
The more happiness I make time for the more I long for what I have lost because I want to share my happiness with Tracy.
There is a sudden panic for me, in me, that This IS my life now and may be forever.
All the assurances, that in a year, that magic mile marker that seems to come from everyone's lips, that somehow Time will be on my side and I will feel differently than I do right now, That I will feel Better, Or I will feel less, seem as likely as winning that billion dollar lottery I bought a ticket for and didn't bother to check to see if I won.
I rarely live in fear because I see no purpose in it, but at this moment the idea that is dawning on me is the honest possible reality that this could be it. That how I feel is how I will always feel.
I still enjoy the memory of the birthday card I got from my Aunt Jane 52 years ago. The fun silly beautiful colorful elephant card with big plastic gemstones on it still makes me feel happy. The wonderful plastic little kitty toy I got out of the gumball machine 50 years ago still engages my imagination and emotions. I still laugh and snort at 6:37.
I can't REMEMBER what I did last week because that is THINKING.
But I the FEELINGS are fresh as yesterday for things I have experienced a lifetime ago or 3 months ago.
What if this IS IT? What if this longing is permanent?
I compare the loss of my mother to this loss of my life. The loss of my husband, lover, friend, job, neighborhood, house, belongings, energy, my identity. I thought perhaps learning to live without my mother but still missing her would have taught me how to process this~ but no.
I can see now why people choose to be sad for a while and not let happiness into their lives after a loss like mine. I am not capable of that but I now understand it better. Happiness does not distract from the sadness. They are two totally different things. They coexist.
It's not that I am happy OR sad. I am happy AND sad.
As a hypnotist I know logically you can not feel both at the same exact time they say. But the speed and intensity of the constant exchange between the two creates a new vibration in me.
I can say quite honestly I don't like it much at this moment and yet I can't wish it away. I have no interest in NOT feeling so I don't feel bad because then the good would have to go with it.
I would never want to lose the good of what I have had. I don't want to not think of Tracy because there is sad mixed in with the wonderful. I am so lucky that I have had it so good and was so loved by such an interesting, brilliant, crazy, irritating, creative wild man.
I keep pouring out onto this blog everything I can because it is how Tracy processed so successfully. I keep hoping that somehow, someway it is helping me or someone else.
It's embarrassing and uncomfortable for me to do so and yet I am compelled to do it. If Tracy had the strength and courage to do it I feel obligated to continue something that was so important to him.
I was hoping that talking out loud on this pretend paper would somehow clarify an idea or emotion that would help me feel that I will feel better some how some way some day.
But for now it seems to me the more things change, the more they stay the same.
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