Time flies

I had a very interesting question asked of me today.

I think it's something many people wonder about.

 

I was asked if the last 4+ years seemed like they took forever.

I can understand why people might think that.

The truth is that although I was desperately in need of sleep and we met new challenges every day and I missed my friends, family and business, I can honestly say I never felt like my days were long or I wished the battle was over. 

Actually it is quite the opposite.

I still wish that I could have found a way to have Tracy here with me now- even with the work and worry, still worth every second I spent with him.  I was occasionally forced away from him for my own good and his and it was tough on both of us to be apart.  We always said we got along better when we were together more.  

Be Careful what you wish for folks!!!

There was so much more I wanted to do with him.  I still enjoyed HIM.  He kept his sick sense of humor and justified his obscene macabre comments by pretending to whine that it was the ALS causing him to do so.  There was never enough time in the day for all that I NEEDED to get done and then wanted to get done. This didn't leave as much time to just BE with Tracy as I wanted.

Many people express their sympathy for all that I/we must have gone thru having to take care of ALL of his needs as if I went above and beyond.  

I WANTED him here.  He stayed because I asked him to stay so how can I complain?  The scrubbing, feeding, cooking, fixing, massaging were all just ways for me to get to BE with him.  I think many people miss the fact that while I was washing, feeding, moving him I was touching, soothing, loving him too.  

To have a conversation in the last year got to be more of a charades game than an exchange of ideas sometimes but it was worth it.  Just to sit on his lap and do laps around the lake was such a fun wonderful way to share a day and I miss that so much.  Going to the movies was kind of a way to level the playing field because he could do that as well as anyone.  Laughing with the grand boys was a joy for us and later we would exchange what were our favorite moments.  Watching him watch Tesla videos, political debates,  martial arts, boxing and TERRIBLE tv shows was good entertainment for me.  Cringing as I read his latest blog post and doing damage control for his Facebook pot stirring is even missed now.

The number of people who sent encouraging or inspiring cards, letters, emails or came up to us in a crowd to tell Tracy how he had changed their lives and helped them and inspired them in so many ways made it worth every bit of the work to keep him here.

Do mothers get awards for dressing or feeding their kids or giving them a bath?  They do it day in and out.  No one asks if they want to give their kids away or end their lives early because they are so much work and worry.

Occasionally people will insinuate that there must be some sense of relief  now that Tracy is gone, no longer suffering and I am free to be myself without the stress and worry.  So far I have felt absolutely NONE of that relief.  I wonder if there will ever be that day.  I don't think so.

I DO feel less exhausted but not actually rested yet.  I do love getting to see good friends, express myself artistically, play with the grands, help our kids, but I would go back to taking care of his every need without hesitation to have him here with me.

Was I grouchy and daffy and unreasonable?  You bet.  Did I bitch at him about things that were not his fault out of frustration and sleep deprivation?  I'm sorry to say yes.  It's not like I was Pollyanna morning, noon and night (my family can attest to that).

Every day is a day.  Good or bad, hard or fun.  Make the best you can of what you are given.

Live while you have the chance in whatever form that takes because Time Flies whether you are having fun or not.  Might as well at least Try to have fun.