Me being Me

I have run away from home to Fredericksburg, TX to find time for myself to rest (which my soul, mind and body needed and still needs so badly).  I wish I could be here another week at least, maybe a month or more.  This surprises me!!! 
But it's not this nice little tourist town that is the draw.  

The past Amy would have been chomping at the bit to get started on a hundred new projects.  She would have been concerned about money already spent and how to afford staying and how to make money in the future.  She would have actually crocheted several projects since she brought the yarn and hooks and even bought new ones.  She would have read some of the books she brought- ok- she would have started each of the books she brought.  
But I have not found my spark yet.

No worries- I have a plan B and C set up immediately upon return to the real world in hopes of lighting a full fire under myself.

Because I am today planning on going home tomorrow I spent last night asking the Universe for a sign.  A direction.  What my nature WANTS to do and what others are telling me to do for my own good because they love and/or care about me in some way, aren't exactly the same thing.  Okay- aren't anywhere near the same thing.  But- if I naturally WANTED to do these things others wouldn't have to save me from myself then right?  People keep saying to me- you can't expect to FEEL BETTER yet.  It takes time.  This means that I am following what I am told instead of what FEELS right.  
(Hello?  Does anybody out there know me?)  
I have found this exhausting! 

Until now.

I got a lightning bolt sign from the Universe that I will discuss in a future post some day, maybe, possibly, perhaps.

Let me just say that the issues 
(Yes, full blown issues) 
I have, why I have them and the way I want to work through them make others very very uncomfortable.  And for good reason.  And those people aren't even the people I am having the issues WITH.  
(Those people still don't realize there IS an issue {which is part of the issue}- but they WILL).

Tempering my reactions I am told is good for ME when in reality I am beginning to now believe it's actually good for those I love and care about even more.   
This is very important to me.  
I can't be truly happy if others around me are not happy and most especially if I am the CAUSE of their pain or discomfort.  

But at what point do I start doing the things I believe will help ME (and the world perhaps)?  Some tell me with assurance- never.  Let it go.  It's over.  What is the point in rehashing? You are just upsetting yourself. Now is not the time.  Let yourself heal.

Everyone's loss is horrible.  It's not a competition. Everyone handles it in their own way.  

I appreciate everyone's love and support and friendship so much. It helped Tracy and I be together as longs as we were and is helping me so much now. I AM listening.  I AM.

I recognize that I may be making decisions from a perspective of loss and anger instead of light and love.  But is it also possible that I AM making decisions from a perspective of LOSS AND LOVE?

My soul has a festering under the splinter of this loss of the love of my life.  Digging it out is no fun for anyone.  Not me or the ones around me.  To put a Bandaid over it doesn't heal it tho.  It protects the wound until the time is right to dig it out so true healing can begin.  
I understand this time is necessary and good.  
But at some point you have to dig in.   If not, the dirt and grime and germs that are causing the possible infection will continue to irritate the body until an even bigger more painful problem causes someone to take action.  But don't wait too long.  That is how scars are formed.  How many parents have held down a screaming child to take care of a small splinter just so they don't have to deal with this bigger issue later?

Many have pointed out I'm not like most people.  I don't see things or feel things the same way others do. I did not know that about myself until a hypnosis class 20 years ago.  Working with Religious and spiritual people and energy healers recently, who didn't know each other or me, have repeated this to me enough times that I now believe it. 
I'm not like most people.
Luckily I don't see or feel this as good or bad.
It just is.  
I feel no compulsion to be like or unlike others.  I am just me and even if I tried to not be me I would just be a different version of me so it seems like an energy sapping waste of time when there are a lot more fun things I'd rather be doing.  
Again- the practical part of me speaks.

I am completely oblivious to so many extremely obvious and important  events  and issues others are upset about and I am completely emotionally engulfed by seemingly small simple things that may have happened 45 years ago but feel the same way to me today.  People openly laugh at me about the way I am and so do I.  
What is really funny to me is the irony that the advice given to me is advice for the common world, the same people telling me I am different.  
People keep trying to save me from myself because THEY would NEVER want what I want or need.  

I have tried these last few months to apply all that I have been told,  to take my time, to think about me, to relax, to process my grief in the many healthy ways the world has written and told me about.

I have done my best to really accept the information and advice that has been so lovingly shared.

I have considered that I am in Denial or/and shock.  Am I avoiding realities or emotions?  
What would that look like or feel like? 

These ideas and questions have a lot to do with WHY I decided to take this sabbatical.

What this weekend has proven to me is that I am a practical person.

 I am completely okay being on my own.  I, just like Tracy, wish my friends and family could be with me for so many of the fun wonderful things I did and saw this week.  
I, UNLIKE TRACY, was completely comfortable with no TV or radio, sitting alone in the quiet, futzing around, not really doing much of anything or going out hiking by myself or chatting with shop owners.  I am completely comfortable with the heat turned up to 80 with the paddle fan blowing a tropical breeze:)  I am completely fine driving around with no idea where I am going, having fun just waiting to bump into something or not.  I was surprised to find out that I don't seem to get LOST.  I am not saying I have any kind of sense of direction (which Tracy always amazed me with).  But I was able to get here and around and was not lost in the abyss as my life experience had lead me to believe would happen if I didn't have a team of navigators shouting directions.  Yes, I HAVE been lost WITH the use of a GPS many times, within my own community and I am sure I will be again.  But it's an adventure until you STRESS about it.  That usually includes a timeline and since I didn't have one- no problem.

I believe I will manage my life alone okay- with the help of others.  (I love irony).   I am not afraid to be alone.  I am so so sad, so sad, to not have Tracy with me. That joy of just having him here leaves such a big hole.   
I have not found any relief at all in the fact he is not here.  
No AT LEASTs. 

He wanted to go, He's not suffering- true but to be Tracy Honest- that doesn't make ME feel better.  I am glad HE feels better.  I still wish he was here.

 I get to sleep now. ok...I get to eat when I want. ...meh...I can shop- big deal....

I would much rather be wiping his hind end and teasing him about his hippie hair.  I would rather be dragging him to a terrible movie where people's heads blow up and going to look at the Red Tesla AGAIN than planning my future without him.  Often people would sympathize with me about all I didn't get to do because of his condition but it was ME who wanted him here.  It was MY choice, not his, to have him stick around.  

True love isn't just being willing to die for another. The sacrifices our military, police, fire, emergency etc. are acts of true love without even knowing the people they are helping.  Amazing.  
But an even bigger sacrifice is to LIVE with the kind of suffering Tracy did because I wanted him here.  Selfish of me?  Absolutely.  
While you all have been polishing my halo at what I "had" to endure, Tracy on a daily basis, continued to show me how much he loved me by staying.  He stayed so his grandchildren would know him.  He stayed to make sure our kids would be okay.  He stayed because he was the most loving heroic crazy funny irritating idiotic human on the planet. He never believed he could heal.  I absolutely KNOW he could and some day I will prove it.  
He stayed anyway because I wanted him to.  
THAT is true love.

I miss doing something great or stupid and knowing there is someone to look at or call to make THAT connection, that only 41 years can bring.  All I can do now is know he would know or laugh or groan or gripe.  But that is life.  There are a lot of things I'd like to have or be or do that probably won't happen- like being younger, getting to know my Dad's mother or invent the spinny disk (cause it already exists).  My life doesn't stop because I can't get my way.

But what about the things I CAN do something about?

I believe THIS is where MY healing will actually start.

I believe the Universe just gave me a sign to

TRUST MYSELF. 

That seems like good advice to me.  

I could hear me saying that to others with confidence. 

I am hoping Tracy is here pushing me along, to go ahead and follow my heart - EVEN if it makes others uncomfortable (which he was so good at and enjoyed doing)  because quite honestly to create change most times people NEED to be uncomfortable to get up off their duffs to make it happen.

So this is your warning world:  

I am about to become ME again and in a whole new way and the only person on the planet who could have stopped me left Oct 27th- 3:54 pm.

Hold on- this is gonna be a bumpy ride.