Once in awhile I choke. My throat closes, always when I attempt to inhale, leaving me to panic as I struggle to breathe. This unfortunate occurrence pushes me to look around the room, at Amy, at the clock on the wall....... I take in all that is possible. I know my expression is obvious... I want "I love you. Good bye" to be my last words, but of course I cannot speak.
There is a certain agony to suffocating that is hard to describe. No pain, all struggle. All helplessness. Pure futility. Abject sorrow infused with fear and manic frustration.
I can't physically help my situation other than to try and stifle any reactionary restriction in my throat that would exacerbate my condition by relaxing myself. Without Amy this relaxation would not be possible.
I am thankful that each time I choke I experience an awful aftermath, without which I would assume myself dead. As I slowly regain tentative breathing composure, shock takes over my body. My heart races faster than during my panic and I shake violently and uncontrollably. I lock down. After time, the spasming diminishes and my heart slows. I try not to move as my body relaxes. I try not to think. I look inside my mind and outward, searching for distraction. I eventually recover.
This choking usually occurs, not always, while I'm eating. The weakness in my throat, coupled with a compromised swallowing mechanism, married to an overly sensitive esophageal reaction to certain spices, causes a constriction I am unable to control. It doesn't matter what I eat. It is not aspiration into my lungs. Most certainly not.
On a positive note, these terrifying choking spells seem to be more infrequent as of late. Nonetheless, I'm scared out of my mind at the prospect of the next. I think I'd better take in my surroundings just to be prepared. I love you. Good bye.
Simply practicing.
For what reason did I decide to share this awful story? I choked last night in bed. If I had died, you would not have known all this. Now the pressure is off. Now my stress is lower. Why? I have no idea.. It just is, and that's all that really counts.
There is a certain agony to suffocating that is hard to describe. No pain, all struggle. All helplessness. Pure futility. Abject sorrow infused with fear and manic frustration.
I can't physically help my situation other than to try and stifle any reactionary restriction in my throat that would exacerbate my condition by relaxing myself. Without Amy this relaxation would not be possible.
I am thankful that each time I choke I experience an awful aftermath, without which I would assume myself dead. As I slowly regain tentative breathing composure, shock takes over my body. My heart races faster than during my panic and I shake violently and uncontrollably. I lock down. After time, the spasming diminishes and my heart slows. I try not to move as my body relaxes. I try not to think. I look inside my mind and outward, searching for distraction. I eventually recover.
This choking usually occurs, not always, while I'm eating. The weakness in my throat, coupled with a compromised swallowing mechanism, married to an overly sensitive esophageal reaction to certain spices, causes a constriction I am unable to control. It doesn't matter what I eat. It is not aspiration into my lungs. Most certainly not.
On a positive note, these terrifying choking spells seem to be more infrequent as of late. Nonetheless, I'm scared out of my mind at the prospect of the next. I think I'd better take in my surroundings just to be prepared. I love you. Good bye.
Simply practicing.
For what reason did I decide to share this awful story? I choked last night in bed. If I had died, you would not have known all this. Now the pressure is off. Now my stress is lower. Why? I have no idea.. It just is, and that's all that really counts.
I'm wondering if it may be a wise idea for Amy to learn how to use a bag-valve mask and oral/nasal airways.......unless there is food in your airway. I'm not sure how that would work with esophageal constriction, but it's a forced or assisted breath if necessary.
ReplyDeleteJanet!! Thanks! Do I request a bag/valve mask from clinic or???? Do I take a class like CPR? It's a horrible helpless feeling to experience this situation not knowing how to improve it or help. I pretty much just annoy him until it passes in hopes that it distracts him from his reality by trying my best to help him breath by speaking in a pretend calm manner and reassuring him it's going to be okay. Occasionally I sit him up more or lay him back hoping to give room to shake things loose.
ReplyDeleteTracy- I am glad you explained the situation because I'm sure people would have guessed that I had throttled you as I have so often over the years threatened to do.
Maybe the doctors have something they can teach you? In my CPR/First Aid classes, they always taught us to tilt the patient's head back, which opens up the airways even if the tongue is resting on the back of the throat. Maybe simply tilting Tracy's head back will help? Check with your doctor first, but hopefully something as simple as moving Tracy's head is all that's needed.
ReplyDeleteTracy, I love you....just felt like sayin' it back to ya!
I am here for you,if not in body,always in spirit my friend
ReplyDelete