And so it begins-

Today is the first day of the rest of my life-without Tracy by my side.

It's a sad terrible feeling among all the joy and surprise and kindness and amazement from the outpouring of love everyone has shown me and our family due to Tracy's sudden departure.

A Departure so surprising that his GP just TODAY- nearly 3 weeks after his passing called to ask if he would be making his appointment on time next week.  

Insert visual of me blinking, nearly batting my eyes and audio of crickets chirping as I processed some kind of response.

The poor gal on the phone was horrified when I dropped the bomb on her that in fact Tracy didn't need their services any more.

Quite honestly I was a bit ticked with them up until this point for not even sending a note or leaving a message on voice mail saying something- anything about his passing that I am now aware that they weren't aware of. 

 Seems that no matter how many stupid forms I filled out, repeatedly, everywhere, each time, saying yes- anyone on the planet having anything to do with medical information with Tracy Boettcher's health could share or talk or email, fax, smoke signal any of it to any other person, being or alien if it could in any way possibly help him, most especially his primary care physician.  

THIS WILL BE ADDRESSED at some point in the future.

The fact that where we left off with his doctor WEEKS earlier was a crisp conversation from her about the fact she was left out of the loop on Tracy's Warfarin meds and Lovenox shots due to an ER visit she knew nothing about (again) should have made her curious enough to keep tabs one would think.  Her omission was barely purposeful on my part and again- she SHOULD have known and been aware since I filled all the paperwork out at the hospital and mentioned to them I catch crap from her for not keeping her in the loop.

His Tube replacement was Sept. 23rd wasn't it?  We were on Lovenox (a painful shot in the gut) for nearly 3 weeks because no one but me seemed to care.  INR never did get right.  Did his doctor not think it was curious he was in ST. David Hospital  ER Oct. 5th in Austin?  I believe I called her about it. I CALLED HER with my own plan of what to do about his INR and diet because she never contacted me or called me back.  She said OK with what I had proposed.  (Why don't I get to charge HER then?)  These are all things in the past I am to let go of now because it doesn't matter....except that it will happen again to the next poor sap that comes through unless I make our suffering at their hands as painful for them as it was for us.  I know, I know...let it go....It's a new day.

So, here we are, NOW.  

"Now" being the day after the most wonderful, lively party to honor Tracy's unique life and family. 

Tracy would have LOVE LOVE LOVED this!!! 

There were tons of fun, interesting, creative, inspiring people from all walks of life there to share love and support in forms of food, music, laughter and sympathy.  

The kids were a hoot as they laughed and screeched and raced around the house in a way that would make Tracy grin and giggle.  They danced wildly to "NickiePaige" (the new duo name from Asa's lips) formerly known as Nick and Paige.  When Bob from the local live jam showed up with his guitar the crowd joined in as he and Nick shared the step- stage from the dinning room, literally playing to a full house.  Food and friends were abundant from the front lawn to the back yard and the weather held out so Bill and the rest of the Evans clan could make the perfect S'mores on the front porch and serve food with smiles and grace.  

We had relatives from Oregon and Eldorado Arkansas helping the magic unfold while Sarah played Mary Poppins and snapped her fingers (perhaps a little more work than that) to make an art gallery of photos, stories and personal treasures come alive to tell Tracy's story.  I can hardly wait to see the new memories Rachel froze in time of people enjoying the old memories. It was heartwarming to see all our families come together to create one big love fest- which was one of Tracy's specialties.

The casual theme was set by the menu from Tracy's cookbook Wednesday Night Feasts created by Rachel as a fund raiser to get us back home this summer for the Tower Park Festival and 2 weeks later to the Illinois Bluesfest, all made possible by YOUR generosity.  Sarah made vats and vats of Tracy's famous chili and gave out cards she designed and created with his recipe on them for all to enjoy, while friends, family and neighbors filled in with delicious dishes of their own for all to feast on.

Thank you all who told, emailed and shared stories with me about how you knew Tracy, many of which made our gallery wall that allowed all to get to know Tracy a bit better.  Many people shared trinkets and treasures, gifts, cards and gift cards which really do help.

Speaking of sharing.  Unfortunately Tracy shared his celebration day with my best friend's family who also lost a dear husband in a shocking passing this past week.  Jamil Couri, husband to Aggie Tony Couri, passed in his sleep while on a vacation cruise together out of the country.  Aggie, Mary Cagle and Al Tony have been so amazingly giving and loving to Tracy and I throughout our whole journey.  I am so sad we couldn't be there with them physically but they all were celebrated right along with Tracy last night.

I have been surprised by many things as of late but the creativity and generosity of people continues to make my soul fly and my head reel.  There are so many thoughtful- and I mean- people, who put a LOT of thought into ways to help us, out there.  

Since I am new to this whole widow business I am surprised at the amount of sorting and organizing and health business and phone calls and paperwork and costs and housework there is to do.  But the rest of the world evidently has every idea and has taken steps to do whatever they can to make this process so much easier for me/us.

Spiritual help and prayers, gas gift cards, paper goods, actual cash money, babysitting, jewelry,  offers to let me visit or vacation or hide out or move in, guilt free movie tickets, recipes, art, cards, dinners, inspirational sayings, emails, messages, letters and even coasters, personal momentos, songs, hugs, pictures, invitations to join groups, clubs and meetings..... and on and on.

Absolutely, without a doubt, there is no way I could have made it this far without all the help you have shared with us.  

This whole journey has been overwhelming in so many ways but now I am really overwhelmed in a wonderful way.

I wish I had all the outrageously creative words Tracy would have used to express my deepest gratitude for all you have done and continue to do for us/me.

For now it's all wrapped up in Thank You.

Love, 

Amy and Tracy