It's about time I wrote some truth.
All my life I felt invincible. I wasn't afraid of anything. This notion was always backed up by my antics. I skydived from 14,000 feet several times. I bungie jumped Spiderman Style over a rock laden Illinois River shore. I cliff jumped 46 feet into a small pond on a hillside in Oahu. I rafted the Royal Gorge. I took my three young children far, far down the Current River without help. The fact that I didn't hesitate to subject my kids to my foolishness speaks reams for my character.
I believe that all changed on March 15, 2011. I was convinced I had met my Kryptonite. For the first year I tanked. By the time I celebrated the first anniversary of my diagnosis I was three months bound to a wheelchair. Ever since I have been digging in my heels as ALS drags me down the hardscrabble hill.
I've come to realize this :
I'm afraid of not seeing Rachel get married, have kids. Ditto Nick. I'm afraid of Asa not remembering me. I'm afraid of those I love dying before me.
I'm afraid of ending up in a Hoyer sack suspended from a ceiling track system and being mistaken for a pinata. I'm afraid of a feeding tube. I'm afraid of wearing out my wife.
I fear falling, the cold, the heat, a stuffy nose, drowning, choking, mosquito's, bees, wasps, hornets, dogs, the sun, exhaustion, aspirating, beer, not being able to eat, itches, not being able to breathe....
I miss : my mom, Peggy, Nana, Grandpa, Polly, Big Mama, a host of other relatives and friends who have gone....
I long to : roughhouse with my grand kids, drink a hot coffee, climb a ladder, cook on Wednesday nights, make love the old fashioned way, walk on my hands, hug, wash my own ass, walk on my feet, wipe my own tears, use the remote, drive, ride a bike, dance poorly, talk shit, laugh properly, chew my fingernails, teach Taekwondo, build a house, change a diaper, pay some bills, sit in a regular theater seat, feed Amy for once, order pizza, do a pull-up, tackle Mason, play a video game, coach basketball like I did at Fr Sweeney, kiss like the French, chop veggies, argue with my family, use a bathroom alone.......
Don't get me wrong, I'm very grateful for what I have!
There are, ya know, two sides to every coin. (unless, of course, you count the edge, where, incidentally, you will find me).
Sometimes it's tough to reflect.
All my life I felt invincible. I wasn't afraid of anything. This notion was always backed up by my antics. I skydived from 14,000 feet several times. I bungie jumped Spiderman Style over a rock laden Illinois River shore. I cliff jumped 46 feet into a small pond on a hillside in Oahu. I rafted the Royal Gorge. I took my three young children far, far down the Current River without help. The fact that I didn't hesitate to subject my kids to my foolishness speaks reams for my character.
I believe that all changed on March 15, 2011. I was convinced I had met my Kryptonite. For the first year I tanked. By the time I celebrated the first anniversary of my diagnosis I was three months bound to a wheelchair. Ever since I have been digging in my heels as ALS drags me down the hardscrabble hill.
I've come to realize this :
I'm afraid of not seeing Rachel get married, have kids. Ditto Nick. I'm afraid of Asa not remembering me. I'm afraid of those I love dying before me.
I'm afraid of ending up in a Hoyer sack suspended from a ceiling track system and being mistaken for a pinata. I'm afraid of a feeding tube. I'm afraid of wearing out my wife.
I fear falling, the cold, the heat, a stuffy nose, drowning, choking, mosquito's, bees, wasps, hornets, dogs, the sun, exhaustion, aspirating, beer, not being able to eat, itches, not being able to breathe....
I miss : my mom, Peggy, Nana, Grandpa, Polly, Big Mama, a host of other relatives and friends who have gone....
I long to : roughhouse with my grand kids, drink a hot coffee, climb a ladder, cook on Wednesday nights, make love the old fashioned way, walk on my hands, hug, wash my own ass, walk on my feet, wipe my own tears, use the remote, drive, ride a bike, dance poorly, talk shit, laugh properly, chew my fingernails, teach Taekwondo, build a house, change a diaper, pay some bills, sit in a regular theater seat, feed Amy for once, order pizza, do a pull-up, tackle Mason, play a video game, coach basketball like I did at Fr Sweeney, kiss like the French, chop veggies, argue with my family, use a bathroom alone.......
Don't get me wrong, I'm very grateful for what I have!
There are, ya know, two sides to every coin. (unless, of course, you count the edge, where, incidentally, you will find me).
Sometimes it's tough to reflect.
At least you are still with us SON. Say a little prayer for those who passed to help them on their journey. I was taught that the world belongs to the living. We are the living, and until such a time we pass on to the other world, we are still of this earth. Enjoy your kids, grandkids, sibblings, uncles, friends & neighbours until that time comes that is not of our choosing. You were always loved and continue to be loved and memories is what is passed from generation to the next. LOL Salim
ReplyDeletecannot argue with anything you said. all your fears are mine , many of your joys I share. I fear you will run out of things to say.
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