I remember most of my dreams, and most of them are fabrications of my work life and my failures at my jobs. The problems or compromises or miscues or outright neglect or ignorance plays over and again in my sleeping mind. Having my thoughts constantly bombarded with the urgency of the next payday compromised my projects to varying degrees. I see this perception of failure as a constant in my sleep state, all the while knowing that in reality I rarely failed at work. It is my subconscious that dwells on my failures, bringing them to the front, dismissing my successes as minimal. My core fear is that by and large I am a failure. It is my large and evil problem. It likely has its hands in my present condition. ALS has been a path to escape my fear of failing.
My anguish extended to all aspects of my life. Financial, emotional, relationships, responsibilities, friends and family - all mechanisms of my life, all affected by my mindset.
Today I live with the weight of my actions. Today I want to give back everything I took away from those around me and I can't. I've set the wheels in motion and I can't find the brakes. I see everything crumbling around me and I now realize that I am a piece missing from my present environment. If I could contribute my skills and emotions, I could possibly reclaim a sense of success and accomplishment I lost long ago. I can now see that maybe I am needed.
I hope this self-rationalization helps me in my dreams.
This is difficult for me.
My anguish extended to all aspects of my life. Financial, emotional, relationships, responsibilities, friends and family - all mechanisms of my life, all affected by my mindset.
Today I live with the weight of my actions. Today I want to give back everything I took away from those around me and I can't. I've set the wheels in motion and I can't find the brakes. I see everything crumbling around me and I now realize that I am a piece missing from my present environment. If I could contribute my skills and emotions, I could possibly reclaim a sense of success and accomplishment I lost long ago. I can now see that maybe I am needed.
I hope this self-rationalization helps me in my dreams.
This is difficult for me.
Don't think you're talking into a void, have been listening here. Things don't have to be so dark! Even in the midst of her suffering nine years from Alzheimers, God showed my mother His love and faithfulness~ what could have been something tragic became something really beautiful. Those years became the most precious because I saw Christ act. You're trying everything on your own strength and where has that gotten you? Try prayer! Even so, I'll be praying for you. I remember Amy saying long ago how much you liked to read, even reading all the labels and ingredients of every product. Such an inquisitive mind must love knowledge and pursuing the truth!
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