Epic post fail part one

This had better be a post of epic proportions, the length and breadth of which should span and devour all that exists within my world. I expect nothing less than gargantuan.

Hang on.

Here goes.

Everything I can remember. From birth. Yeah. That's right. Out from liquid abyss.

Birth was a bitch. This much I assume, using as evidence all the lumps my skull has retained these many years. If they are lumps of knowledge then I'm the smartest human ever born. Somehow I feel this is not true.

I remember :

doing math problems during nap time in kindergarten
making paper Christmas chains while eating the paste, also in kindergarten
swinging on the playground set, parallel to another kid and hollering "Hey! Get outta my bathtub! ", still in kindergarten reading "Dick and Jane"
riding a trike to the toilet
writing my first book, about a brontosaurus, in first grade
spending most of first grade in the second grade classroom
climbing a fat rope in the gym
rolling giant grass coated snowballs on the playground
ice skating after school in a low place across the street
having a crush on Ruthy
raising, lowering and properly folding the American flag at school
taking an IQ test and creating waves
loving the cafeteria smell
being fascinated with the planets

I remember :

Kennedy being assassinated
the long funeral on TV
my dad ripping the phone out of the wall and launching it in a fit of rage
getting whacked with a brush, with a belt
seeing my dad divining for water
giant green tomato caterpillars
my mom ironing while attempting to explain Playboy magazine to a six year old, me, after I found one in the bathroom
playing in the cornfields all day
rocking my bed for years
hallucinating through two weeks of hard measles
finding my Christmas present behind mom's bed
bridling our Shetland pony when I was seven
catching and decapitating my first chicken, also at seven
helping mom drag dad out of the garage after he nailed the overhead shut, started the car and crawled under it trying to kill himself
briefly owning a soft shell snapping turtle the size of a trash can lid
mom's garden
jumping and bouncing around untethered in the back seat of whatever car we happened to own
opening my big mouth and getting docked down to two bucks to spend at Toys r Us
killing ants with a magnifying glass
edging the lawn with hand trimmers and hating it
finding out that my dad is switching from carpenter to McDonald's management trainee
hanging with my cousin Mark at along the creek behind his house down the road
playing at the old mill and finding a hand print with three fingers embedded in concrete, thinking it was prehistoric
poking a stick in a dead, bloated pony
catching tadpoles and not knowing what to do with them
catching bullfrogs
catching leopard frogs
catching garter snakes
catching bull snakes
catching lightning bugs
catching spiders
digging up night crawlers
digging up salamanders
hosing gopher holes
fishing for carp
fishing for bullhead
fishing for bluegill
destroying bird nests and chucking the eggs at trees
squishing baby mice
eating wild rhubarb
eating wild asparagus
eating walnuts
eating wild raspberries
eating wormy green apples and having to poop in the woods
eating young field corn
eating cherries and having to poop in the woods
crawling through a pipe under the road
losing my first box kite to a low flying airplane
finding a treasure of rocks and glass chunks in a nearby creek
watching Nana clean trout at Berryland
continuously listening to "Satisfaction" on the jukebox at Berryland
exploring the thirteen lakes on my own at eight years old without a clue as to how to swim, at Berryland
following my granpa around to learn a thing or two, at Berryland
fishing, at Berryland
exploring, at Berryland
Nana and granpa's house with the cool fireplace, at Berryland
watching Nana clean a stinky rabbit on the front porch
finding out that my cousin Jody got bit in the stomach by Nana and granpa's German Shepherd, Zorra
watching Christmas wrapping paper burn in many colors in the fireplace
seeing granpa work his puzzles

I also recall :

climbing sappy pine trees while mom got her beehive hairdo at some lady's house
watching a tornado pick up my sisters' playhouse and flinging it out in the field
watching my Uncle Rich load the playhouse up, take it away and perch it in a tree on his property
dad pulling the wood stoop from beneath the door in the garage so we can all scramble into the crawlspace after we'd risked our lives watching the playhouse imitate the beginning of the Wizard of Oz
standing with mom in the family room during an electrical storm as a lightning bolt appeared to enter the laundry room window and exit the living room window
learning about sex at age five from my mom
getting a crew cut with my dad at Bob's Barber Shop and receiving a Tootsie Pop
trying baseball in second grade and sucking
getting hit in the eye by a fastball while playing catch with dad
riding in granpa's little jeep
riding in the back of Uncle Harley's Stingray
rollerskating in the garage, falling backwards, cracking my skull and seeing stars
running through the Huff's barnyard, clotheslining myself on an electrified strand of barbed wire, puncturing my neck and scaring the shit out of mom
jumping in a corn bin at the Huff farm, cracking my skull on a cross beam and scaring the shit out of my mom
walking to the Ringwood General Store to buy root beer Popsicles and candy dots on paper
always checking out the really fat man across the street from the store
watching guys destroy an old car with big hammers at a lake party
drinking kiddy cocktails at the Mill Inn
eating shrimp at the Mill Inn
eating Pizza at a place where a guy played a banjo
getting a whippin' for something I did
getting a whippin' for something I didn't do
listening to mom and dad fight
talking my sister into eating a boxelder bug
hating cooked carrots but having to eat them
hating liver but having to eat it
plucking a chicken
feeding and watering our pony, Peanuts
making a spear out of a broom handle and a knife, a birthday gift for Mark, bridling Peanuts, heading out pony-back and breaking the spear on a tree on the way to the party
riding out of control in a two wheeled buggy