Sometimes I look back at my posts and hate them. I hate that I spend so much time with so little to say. A bunch of mumbo jumbo followed by a sarcastic disclaimer of some sort seems to be my MO as of late..
So, let me change up my pattern.
YES! ALL CAPS!
RECENTLY, OVER THE LAST SEVERAL DAYS, I HAVE BECOME ACUTELY AWARE THAT I HAVE NOT TOUCHED MUCH OF ANYTHING IN THE LAST YEAR.
Not The doorknobs, the toilet handle, the stairs to the boys' room, not the waistband to my underwear, not Amy's hair, not a glass of water, not a steering wheel, not a pot or a pan or fork or knife, not a bar of soap, not a hot dog, not a dog or a cat or a mouse or a rat, not a hammer or saw, not a keyboard or a screen, not a remote or a broom, not a book, not my ipad, not my iphone, not my Tobii, not a tree or bush, not a flower, not a loaf of bread.
I could continue forever. The smart thing to do would be to dump this post, but that would require me to be smart. Instead, let me change the tone. Let me tell you HOW I feel rather than WHAT I feel. (I do hope that I have touched a heart here or there).
I feel Amy's love. Tactile it is. I feel worthy. I feel happy with my grandsons around me every day. I feel blessed. I love being in Dallas with my daughter and her family. I feel honored that Rachel stalled her career to be near me. I feel humbled that Nick is moving from Chicago to Austin to be near me. I feel everything. It occurs automatically in absence of touch. I feel everything. Its about time I show it.
Amy is the glue to my sawdust. She squirts me so I don't blow away. She has an endless supply. I am helplessly stuck on her. I hope she isn't water soluble in case I start crying. We are inseparable. I feel happy about that, yes.
So, let me change up my pattern.
YES! ALL CAPS!
RECENTLY, OVER THE LAST SEVERAL DAYS, I HAVE BECOME ACUTELY AWARE THAT I HAVE NOT TOUCHED MUCH OF ANYTHING IN THE LAST YEAR.
Not The doorknobs, the toilet handle, the stairs to the boys' room, not the waistband to my underwear, not Amy's hair, not a glass of water, not a steering wheel, not a pot or a pan or fork or knife, not a bar of soap, not a hot dog, not a dog or a cat or a mouse or a rat, not a hammer or saw, not a keyboard or a screen, not a remote or a broom, not a book, not my ipad, not my iphone, not my Tobii, not a tree or bush, not a flower, not a loaf of bread.
I could continue forever. The smart thing to do would be to dump this post, but that would require me to be smart. Instead, let me change the tone. Let me tell you HOW I feel rather than WHAT I feel. (I do hope that I have touched a heart here or there).
I feel Amy's love. Tactile it is. I feel worthy. I feel happy with my grandsons around me every day. I feel blessed. I love being in Dallas with my daughter and her family. I feel honored that Rachel stalled her career to be near me. I feel humbled that Nick is moving from Chicago to Austin to be near me. I feel everything. It occurs automatically in absence of touch. I feel everything. Its about time I show it.
Amy is the glue to my sawdust. She squirts me so I don't blow away. She has an endless supply. I am helplessly stuck on her. I hope she isn't water soluble in case I start crying. We are inseparable. I feel happy about that, yes.
You are fortunate......My aides hardly talk to me. My family -- sister, brother in law and their 3 children never drive the 35 minute drive to see me; the only 2 friends who ever come have not come around this summer. If it weren't for FB and other social media, I would have contact with no one. And yet you are sarcastic. Realize how fortunate u r to have love all around you and be grateful. How sarcastic could u be in my situation. I am grateful to be alive in this wonderful world of technology. I am so so grateful. In your position, my life would be so love-filled and joyful. I cannot imagine how wonderful it must be to have so many loving people around me. You are truly blessed. Act like it.
ReplyDeleteFern, I am sorry that your family doesn't visit you. If I felt as discarded as you apparently do, you could chuck all my technology in the trash because it would be useless to me if I had nobody who cared about my communications. As it is, I refuse to cry wo is me or feel sorry for myself. I refuse to take anything too seriously. I think you do. I am sarcastic because no matter how bad things get, I can always keep my friends and family more at ease when they have no idea what's coming next. I truly believe that the love and attention I get from so many is no accident. I earned it and now I am reaping the rewards. I must love to be loved, I do and I am. I also know that without it, I am dead. I still maintain that to be bitter, lonely and sad, strewn with envy is worse than any disease. Add ALS and it might as well be over. Call your family, Fern. Tell them you love them. Don't worry about me, I'll be just fine. By the way, I love you. Just sayin'.
ReplyDeleteFern-I am so sorry that you are struggling and lonely. I can only imagine how hard it is for you to have to carry this burden alone and yet- you are not truly alone since we are communicating now. There are many out there that read your words. They care but have no way to communicate that to you. They don't know how. We find many of our friends are uncomfortable about visiting because what do you say to someone who can't return a comment? What do you say to someone when all you are thinking is -OMG! What a nightmare! This SUCKS! I could never do what she is doing. Since I am full time caregiver for Tracy I don't get much time on the computer. Tracy usually tells in some way what you said or tells me (like now) STOP. Go read what Fern sent.
ReplyDeleteWe have many friends that say I would love to respond but I can't figure out the computer world and you can't answer the phone.
Fern- TEACH them. TELL them in any way you can. Say- HEY!! I am alive in here. I WANT to be alive. I NEEEEEEEDDDD attention. Tell them you like their earrings. Ask about their dogs. Let them know you are still you in there.
Contact the ALS support groups and let them know you are being ignored. Tell them to have their meetings where YOU are! Tell them ROAD TRIP!!
Hang in there. We do care. I am sorry we don't tell you often enough.
I too feel; I feel honored to call you my friend.
ReplyDelete