This is how I roll

I was so sick in the hospital that I thought I might die. At times I wanted to die. During a very serious coughing and suffocating incident last month I looked at Amy as if to say "this is it. Goodbye".  As luck would have it, I was wrong. Last night, while dining with the family at Buca di Beppo's, I choked nearly to death again. Fortunately, I recovered and ate a decent meal. When I was in the hospital, I was given a swallowing test, the conclusion of which determined I was to spend the remainder of my life eating pureed food and drinking 'thickened' fluids, apparently designed to minimize the chance of aspirating product into my lungs. To that I say, emphatically, fuck no! ALS has taken my arms, my legs, my voice, my life...... My everything. I'm not eating pureed tacos, chicken or pizza. I drink coffee through a straw, which is bad enough; thickened coffee?  No way!  In addition to these restrictions, I was told to dump the straw and take in fluids from a spoon. In my opinion, heading down this trail leads me directly into the path of a stomach port, a feeding tube, more restrictions, more complications. I'd rather choke to death on ribeye steak than spend the rest of my days being spoon fed ground up pork chop in thickened gravy. Do you follow my drift here?  As my quality of life wanes, as ALS continues to chomp at me like PacMan, the last thing I will do is accept voluntary limitations. I'm not looking for artificial means to stay alive, but natural ways to live. If I choke out on cheesies,........ It was meant to be. You know what? I am out of answers to the questions regarding my health. In reality, I probably never had them to begin with. Everything is a guessing game. Trial and error. So far, I'm batting 1000. An error for every trial. I do admit that I'm beginning to learn how to better cope with my terror. I suppose that after two years with a monster in the room my fear has weakened a bit, now knowing it will kill me slowly, giving me time to all the gimmicks out there in the hope that one works. So, I carry on, both hopeful and stubborn.