Father's Day

I tried and tried to get the internet to work yesterday to put up a Father's Day Post saying how great Tracy is/was. 

I think Tracy didn't want me to bum people out whining so he put everything on the fritz- so like him.

 I can't say Happy Father's Day 'cause it was surprisingly hard to get thru.  People are always surprised when I am surprised.  But I truly am. 

These couple weeks leading up to it sent me back to the first weeks Tracy left the planet.  Kind of Sucko, even tho our kids did everything they could to make sure I was ok and had a happy day.  

It was hard on all of them as well - which selfishly made me feel a bit better cause it's not just me refusing to move on, I say to myself as I lecture me about pulling myself together for goodness sakes.  

I never used to be such a whiner!!!  Ugh.

Where the hell is PollyAmy??

Luckily 2 of the 3 grand boys had birthdays this weekend and then Tim, my son in law got a blip of recognition for his contribution in the fathering field.  These were great distractions but everything is bittersweet.  

Hard to NOT go shopping in the men's departments anymore. Hard to not look over to see him laughing at the  grand kids antics.

I took the kids to Chuck E. Cheese- NOT a Tracy place, but he loved to see the kids have fun and HE loved video games so I am sure I saved about $100 not having him there.  Not nearly enough danger for him and the kids in his mind I'm sure. He would have wanted me to take them dirt bike racing or bungee jumping.

 We went to Finding Dory- which he would have liked (because between watching Kungfu movies and watching people's heads explode he loved the kids movies and Planet Earth documentaries)  but he would have LOVED taking the kids to the movies and having Isaac sit up in our laps during the scary parts. 

 Tracy loved, LOVED, LOVED going to the movies.  

If it was a rainy day -his best buddy and co-He-Man at the job site, Jim, got rained out and they went to the movies.  If it was too nice of a day- They got "NICED OUT" and went to the movies.  If he was the only one at the job and couldn't get stuff done....If they got a job done early- They celebrated and went to the movies.

  Now I thought he was out busting his buns so I could eat and buy paint supplies to find out during casual conversations weeks later, usually with other friends, he knew ALL about some movie. 

 I'd say- HEY!  I thought you were going to take ME to that and he'd give me "that look" and make up some ridiculous story knowing I wasn't gonna fall for it.  Or he'd say-I took YOU.  Don't you remember? (knowing I never seem to remember the first 2/3 of most movies I see anyway).  Then he'd offer to take me so he could see it AGAIN if it was good (and even when they weren't).

Then we went to a Chinese Buffet here in Dallas (cause I conned Isaac into conning Asa into saying it to his parents as his Go To Birthday Dinner wish- yep, I'm a bad Granny B).  Tracy loved what we referred to as Cat Head Buffet in Peoria (that is now closed due to Health Code violations (we probably weren't kidding with that name)  and he would eat enough bad sushi with buckets o' Wasabi for at least 10 -300 lb men .  I opted to just enjoy the other men's plates mounded to the point of spilling over with creepy creatures of the deep and got deep fried everything and sticky rice.

I thought having Halloween 3 days after he died was hard, then Thanksgiving, one of his favorite holidays because it's not religious and it was about bringing fun and family and food together (sooo Tracy) then Christmas, with all the presents and the grand kids (he LOVED to buy presents for people) then New Years- reflection of the past year....Then his birthday Jan. 30th.  

All this in just a few weeks from his passing.  

I thought- Man, I can do anything now that I have THAT over.  

But no.

It's a FULL year of firsts.  First Father's Day without him.  First kids birthdays without him.  First...ugh.

The other hiccup in posting is that I don't have any pictures of the ACTUAL Tracy.  I only have computer pictures of the ALS Tracy.   

That was so NOT him- except in the way he handled it all.

He was so embarrassed to have pictures that showed his hands.  He was not especially vain.  He had such pride in his strength and was so competitive. He could drive a 16d nail in 3 hits consistently.  A tap, a hit and a finish without waffling the wood.  Always amazed me.

But he was a pretty good sport about me clicking away.

 I hope to find a way to get pictures on here of Tracy from our youth.  

Another miracle to create.

Father's Day was especially challenging because there is/was no man on this Earth that was prouder of his kids or grand kids as Tracy.  He would do ANYTHING for them- even when I was bitching in the background that he was spoiling them rotten and it wasn't a good thing and....Didn't make him no never mind.  The kids always thought we exaggerated to people to make them feel good.  Nope.  Tracy was excruciatingly exuberant about sharing every single little burp and giggle to EVERYONE about EVERYTHING our kids did, thought about doing, Could do but didn't.....Tracy was an ALL IN kind of guy.  No limits on his passions. He truly believed his kids were better- (yep, I'm playing Tracy and telling the absolute truth here no matter who UN PC it is) in every single way than anyone else on Earth and no matter how many times I tried to say- every parent feels that way- he'd say- yes, but I'm right:)

So every time I look at our kids and grands I can't help but think how proud Tracy would be and how much he would have loved to see this and that and what he'd want to do to help them reach their dreams.  He still is.  Just from the other side.

Miss ya big man.

Happy Father's Day