Signs

How many of you out there have lost someone you loved?  How many have wished that you could just have some sort of sign-anything- to show you your loved one is okay and that you aren't REALLY alone?

What do you do when those signs show up?

Do you believe them or make excuses why it's not real?

I have had phone calls from people who know me well and don't know me at all telling me they have heard from Tracy.  Once in a while I have seen something or thought something that made me think- wow, that is SO Tracy and considered how much is wishful thinking on my part.

I have had one dream that I felt him in.  I have had several others tell me they have dreamed of Tracy. 

It still has seemed very distant like a fairy tale when I hear these comforting accounts.

Today- The doubting Thomasina is gone.  

As I am exploring which direction to take my life I wished that I had a REAL sign that THIS is a good idea or that is worth doing or follow my heart, not my or other peoples heads or or or.

It's so hard because every fun thing that pulls at my heartstrings is almost instantaneously followed (or grouped) with the sadness that I HAVE to pick a direction because I don't have what I REALLY WANT- and that is for time to reverse itself and I figure out how to keep Tracy with me in some happy healthy form.  

Life now is the choice of the best least worst direction to go which would have been a great or better than great direction if Tracy was still here.  

See why it's confusing?

So while I rehash all the happy sappy lectures I gave Tracy trying to get him to want to stay around in whatever condition he happened to be in and apply them to myself, I wander around the art world (because the healing world is semi off limits to me for the moment according to those who love me and are trying to save me from myself) searching for a way to reconnect with some part of my soul.

At the local farmers/art market I was shopping/researching today I said hello again to an artist I had spoken to last week.  She looked very professional, her work was high quality and we hit it off right away discussing all we had in common from grandchildren to owning retail stores, arts, production, etc.  

The truth is I have a cold/flu and look like the Walking Dead so my intention was to just look and get some fresh air, see how much foot traffic the show had, see if anyone actually had any bags in their hands and so on.  I warned the gal immediately about the plague I may be carrying and she was very polite and continued conversation with me.  She sews wraps, sophisticated 8 pocket tote bags and baby items.  Excellent work. 

On the wrap she was wearing I couldn't help but notice the fun vintage silver art paint pallet pin she had on her wrap that is JUST like a necklace piece that was given to me by a family member as a gift a couple years ago.  I love this necklace and would wear it more if I had earrings to go with it.  I've looked since I got the necklace for just the right ones which is funny since I could just wear silver but some how that takes the fun out of the piece for me. I want just the right ones.  So when I saw the pin that looked JUST like my necklace I commented on it and she said yes it was old.  I told her my story and said that her pin gives me hope that maybe I could find earrings like that and she said- THIS WAS AN EARRING and showed me how she had slid her wrap through it!! 

 

Okay- catch your breath....it gets better.  

I know!!  How can it? right?  But when I ask for proof I mean TRACY proof so-

As my mind is reeling from this major coincidence the wind flips the corner of her wrap up and I see that it's polka dot on the backside and striped on the front and IT'S THE

SAME MATERIAL

  that Rachel our daughter used to sew the pillow cover for Tracy's hand pillow  he used every day that I have recently shared with the Cutlers who have befriended me who happen to be on their own ALS journey.

So- Whatever I think I might have been thinking it's clear that this artist or art market must have something to do with my journey whether she wants to or they want to or not.  That it was worth dragging my sorry butt outta bed to get fresh air and art this morning. 

Many tell me the cyber world is the way to go for my art sales and the art markets don't seem to be making $1.50 these days and I thought I was too old and lazy to do it anyway I guess it just doesn't matter.  

If I am asking how to get somewhere and people tell me follow the signs and I don't,  I can't really blame them for me not making it to where I want to go now can I?

How does this help me?

Well, one of my big struggles since Tracy left, is the idea that now I have to grow up, get a REAL job, focus on an income instead of playing with my head in the clouds. 

Tracy always protected me from having to grow up.  He NEVER wanted me to work in the real world ever not even in high school.  He got me "to quit" the nursing home, Burger King, Pizza Hut and the Post Office.  He only wanted me to do what I WANTED to do.  Instead of asking what the hell I was doing selling off pop bottles and some of his tools to pay for art supplies to have a home show to start my business he encouraged it.  When I started the Something Unique Home Party plan with my friend Claire which meant HE had to watch the 3 small kids several nights a week and the house NEVER got cleaned he never complained.   He pushed and pushed me to open the 2,500 sq. ft. art studio in Bartonville (right behind the old haunted state hospital for the "incurably insane".  Coincidence??? )

 

  When we were diagnosed and I stopped painting I considered taking a waitress job for quick cash tips and he was crushed and cried and cried until I promised him I would never ever do such a thing.  

Having such a CLEAR sign that Tracy is hanging around (even at art shows that he was bored out of his gourd being dragged to when he was alive) while I am asking should I do these little shows? Should I divide my time?  Should I paint what I love or what I think will sell? Do I ONLY do Studio Bella which has been an absolute miracle?  Do I do what I used to do and drag all these wonderful new people INTO Studio Bella because I WANT to work with them too?   

Well this signs point to Hell Yes.

So watch out world!! I don't know where I am going or what I am doing (just like the rest of my life:) but I will follow what is fun or I think is good for others full tilt with no one to stop me now that I have stopped stopping me.  

I have also opened that door to help others who are struggling due to health issues even tho I have been warned again and again against doing just that for my own health, happiness and safety.  

It means a lot of time for no money, being emotional about their struggles while I am still dealing with mine and maybe even going back to hypnosis that helped us so much on our journey.  

I have been searching for something to paint OTHER than furniture because I didn't know about this area buying it or my style here and I am older and lazier and I don't have any room to store things and no where to sell them if I actually Did get them painted.  But- I guess that will have to take care of itself because I think I got the answer I wanted.  

Isn't that what everyone wants?

Thanks Tracy.  Miss ya.