Today I'm of the belief that if I don't find a way to completely change my way of thinking I will certainly find myself at the bottom of the hill I've been descending the three and a half years since my diagnosis.
No small task lies ahead of me, no guarantee attached, as I piece by piece disassemble each and every thinking mechanism inherent within me for the entirety of my life and reassemble the parts into a living design, leaving remains of anger, frustration, fear and disappointment upon the cutting room floor.
I must force myself to accept the validity of mantra, forgive many, forgive myself, forgive my father and begin to build up faith and trust in a modality, the likes of which escape my concepts of reality, a system based on the spirit rather than the systematic workings of a logic driven brain.
Thus I must segue from my current course and venture into a new universe devoid of all familiarity, the unknown chakra center of spiritual dissemination for my health and happiness.
I'm simply out of options. My present course is too easy to visualize. It ends badly, terribly.
I want what I don't have. It is not what I had before. I want what I never had. I want what I should have had. Simplicity of thought, of need, of love, of cherish and trust. I'm looking for the mindset that I never had.
I want to feel again. I want to face my fears and laugh. There will be no more competition, no more angst, no more anger.
This is the only way I will survive. This is the only way I wish to survive.
No small task lies ahead of me, no guarantee attached, as I piece by piece disassemble each and every thinking mechanism inherent within me for the entirety of my life and reassemble the parts into a living design, leaving remains of anger, frustration, fear and disappointment upon the cutting room floor.
I must force myself to accept the validity of mantra, forgive many, forgive myself, forgive my father and begin to build up faith and trust in a modality, the likes of which escape my concepts of reality, a system based on the spirit rather than the systematic workings of a logic driven brain.
Thus I must segue from my current course and venture into a new universe devoid of all familiarity, the unknown chakra center of spiritual dissemination for my health and happiness.
I'm simply out of options. My present course is too easy to visualize. It ends badly, terribly.
I want what I don't have. It is not what I had before. I want what I never had. I want what I should have had. Simplicity of thought, of need, of love, of cherish and trust. I'm looking for the mindset that I never had.
I want to feel again. I want to face my fears and laugh. There will be no more competition, no more angst, no more anger.
This is the only way I will survive. This is the only way I wish to survive.
Do you hear that??? That whispering off in the distance? The sound of your soul singing....of laughter. The sigh of love's satisfaction. Life continues through change. Change CREATES. Things that are stagnant rot. Go with the flow. Go with what feels good. The habitual fear will fade in the face of laughter. I am soooooooo proud of you.
ReplyDeleteYou don't realize it but you have already achieved what you were looking for.
I love you always and forever.
Sorry to the rest of you for having to wade through our public affections.