A continuation, with updates

Let's pick up as I left off, where, if you recall, I described that my mornings are the worst time of day. True still, though as my right hand dive bombs toward uselessness I terrorize myself as lessening mobility precludes me from any usable or comforting manipulations at night. Last night was predictably and progressively pathetically sleep bare. I took a nap in my chair at 9am. I wish I could simply suffer through this and all other calamity alone; such is impossible. Amy is my constant companion; she feels what I feel, her hope is necessary to counter my woe. If not for her, I would be dead already. I have tremendous support from family and friends, but Amy is the one who now keeps me from overt, clinical depression. ALS doesn't kill, it merely eats functionality like a flesh eating virus, though saving me from infection that could abbreviate my suffering.

I am not one to easily accept limitations. A transformation from overachiever to non-achiever is simply unpalatable. I have no interest in surviving by way of machine. If  I cannot live without being plugged in then I  will not live. My own version and expectation of quality of life surely differs from sufferers     and caregivers alike. I know myself. If I'm to die, I'd rather travel via  jet aircraft than a slow boat. 

When I move my tongue around my mouth, a sluggishness occurs and foreign sensation prevails, surely a precursor to other malfunctions to come, some already manifesting as slow speech, swallowing difficulties and sensory anomaly. Chewing is more difficult; I lose food inside my left cheek, at the gum line, impossible to retrieve. Larger bites are unmanageable, food stops at the back of my throat when I attempt to swallow. Every swallow of liquid has an equal chance of entering my lungs if I'm not careful. A test last week  revealed  my lung function to be at 81 percent.

Months ago, I perceived myself as an arms and legs guy relating to my ALS. Today I realize that the disease must have been dealt a good hand, evidenced now as it appears it is "All In".