I'm not him

By now you have probably noticed a slowing in the prolific pace that was once Tracy's blog.

I had fully intended to continue posting helpful, useful, passionate, information in a brutally honest fashion to honor Tracy and help the world in a mirroring of Tracy's outrageous fashion.

Several obstacles have precluded me from accomplishing that task.

1).  I'm not Tracy.

2).  I am not generally BRUTALLY honest (I hope).  Honest yes.

3).  What I have to say at this point feels more like whining than being helpful to humanity.

Clearly there ain't much I am gonna be able to do about #1.

On to #2-

There are times that I am highly motivated to share an idea or thought about this point in my journey in the same bold soul streaking fashion Tracy did.  Letting it all hang out so to speak.  

But unlike Tracy I do care and consider how what I say will effect others because for me that is the POINT of writing to the public as opposed to a private diary or journal. 

This has been a constant source of struggle for me as I experienced how healing his words were for so many, no matter how naked, negative or biting his comments seemed to me.  He was "him" without reservation or consideration.  I am NOT him.  

And yet I do long for the courage to be completely honest with the world but quite honestly- Privacy is one of the things I miss the most from my previous life.

#3-

The reason I am interested in documenting or recording any of this or sharing it is to help those who were diagnosed like we were.  If sharing anything we learned could help Anyone in ANY way it's worth it to me to share. 

Tracy's goal was just being able to communicate.  The more limited his physical abilities the more important sharing his opinions and ideas became for him.  This is why you all were literally his life line.

Every response to him showed he stilled mattered.

It's coming up on the year anniversary of Tracy's Death and no matter how hard I try to ignore it- that act in and of itself FOCUSES on the very thing I would prefer not to.  

I couldn't understand why people put such importance on the worst date in our entire lives.  

Now I understand. 

It's not a celebration of that date.

It's a point of survival.

Every FIRST without our Loved One is an emotional beating.  

Each smile they miss, holiday, event, birth, breath, sale, secret, TV show, joke, meal....

all Firsts-

are a reminder of what we don't have.

It's been interesting talking to the half dozen friends who have lost their spouses recently.

ALL say the same thing.  

It's all Bitter or Bitter/Sweet.

The anticipation of whether our experiences are going to be horrifically difficult or surprisingly smooth adds tension to the anticipation of each and every FIRST.

We are all hoping that year 2 is not a repeat of the first.

Deciding what or if I will continue to write has yet to be determined.

I haven't even written in my private journals lately that I kept since our diagnosis.

I have no interest in hearing myself whine either I guess.