Let me try Me being Me- Hope you can handle it.

I am on my way tomorrow to Peoria to see family and pick up my dad to bring him for a quick visit to Dallas.

I am doing my best to focus on packing and planning who I will visit when, St. Pat's Day, bringing art back to sell to my loyal friends and customers....

But I picked up the phone today hoping it was someone wanting to buy our van but it was someone from Reliv.

This is a nutrition company who is doing a study to prove their product helps heal ALS, checking to see how we were doing since they didn't hear from me in so long.

I explained what happened and instead of the quick awkward hang up I expected the representative asked questions and was very interested in hearing about our journey and wants to keep in touch.

She also mentioned the new video with Dr. Bedlack who is working to validate the healing of ALS.

Then I heard from the HealingALS.org people who are concerned about me and want me to know that they are working to get the truth out but in the mean time I need to take care of myself and that may mean I need to step back from the healing path and come back when I am more rested and energized.

(No, I have never heard from Tracy's doctor except that her staff called 3 weeks AFTER he died to see if he would be on time for his next visit.)

Then I look on my Facebook page and see a post from a physical therapist that was friends with Tracy's physical therapist posting about the fact that he works with people daily that have health issues directly to do with poor diet and nutrition and harmful medications.

I keep trying to mind my own business and give myself time to "heal".  I am doing the best to work through my grief of the loss of my love and life and love of my life.  

But the Universe just keeps putting it in front of me.  I think perhaps Tracy and I were never typical and my healing may need to be an unexpected route as well.  Maybe my healing will come in the form of helping others heal.

I'm healing not only from losing Tracy but also from the shocking journey through the medical madhouse we found ourselves in.  I am working through the repeated shaming and demeaning lectures aimed at my "denial of their TRUTH of hopelessness".  

I can find no balance in the world I am waking up in.  It's not the world I left.  That world died at diagnosis when we were BOTH offered drugs upon giving us their truth.  

Ignorance is bliss in comparison to finding out that you can indeed die due to a lack of money and lack of information.  Those I was taught to trust as a child are the exact people who let us down repeating their mantra of doom while the new "crazy charlatans" helped us for FREE and continue to check on me now that Tracy is gone.  Oh, by the way- those Crazies are ALSers that are long time survivors who have healed themselves thru extreme healthy living ideas and are completely ignored by the "experts" in the medical world.  

Can you hear in my typing the underlying over laying frustration that is at the center of my issue.

How do I heal that by NOT addressing it?  I keep trying to look away and go around and ignore this TRUTH.   When I get phone calls asking for help with a loved one who is struggling with ALS do I hang up?  When more and more facebook posts are about the scamming of America through pharmaceuticals and the ridiculous commercials pushing drugs for a clearer complexion with side effects of suicide, liver failure or blindness- how do I ignore it after what we've been thru?

Since NOT being me has not helped me I am going to give BEING ME a shot.

This I realize may be a less than comfortable ride for many many people very close to me and for that I am truly sorry.