I'm not bitter- I am flabbergasted

Unfortunately for you my grieving process is going to include you, the cyber public. 

Why? Because that is what Tracy would have done and some how that makes me feel better for now.  

And that I want our journey to help as many people as possible NOT to have to go through our journey.  

So, with that said-

I just got a call from the head of HealingALS.org again (that I missed- sorry Tish- call ya back soon) who, in her very very busy schedule, took the time to check on me AGAIN because she cares so much.  I have never actually physically met this person but she has helped Tracy and I personally many times and others uncountable times, out of the kindness of her heart, for no money and quite often at her own personal expense because she CARES.

Compared to:

Tracy's medical GP who just got around to having her assistant call to ask if Tracy would make his appointment on time next week.....that's right.  His OWN DOCTOR didn't know he died 3 weeks ago.  

How is this even possible?

 

Her name, number and address had been given at every ER visit and I filled out every paper they told me to and they asked is it okay to share any and all medical information with any and all medical people and family which I answered emphatically YES.  We had discussed that she was out of the loop before and after his tube replacement surgery in June and Sept so that needed to be improved.  She was aware of his diagnosis because she constantly lectured me about being obsessive and unreasonable about my ridiculous denial issues in trying to heal him.  If she had cared about his CARE at all it seems to me she should have been curious enough to ask why I hadn't called in his INR numbers each Monday as I have for years.  She would have called to say- hey- what ever happened about the Lovenox shots that went on forever that I had called her about?  Who did she think was taking care of his warfarin levels all this time since this was HER job that she complained to me that I let others handle in the past?  How did the hospital doctors not ever even call her once to ask any kind of question about his standard base line health?

How is it the medical doctors can and did look me in the eye and recite repeatedly that we should NOT get sucked in by the scammers and Charlatans promoting "alternative" (common sense) health ideas because as they told us- we don't have the time or money to waste and there is no PROOF that stuff works (except for these people who are still alive through HealingALS.org talking to us).  These "scammers"  have taken the time to call and check on me and offer help in so many ways for no money while our medical doctors didn't even know that Tracy had died weeks earlier.

It's these kinds of issues that people keep telling me to just let go of because it won't bring Tracy back.  I shouldn't upset myself.  How do I live in the world KNOWING this WILL happen to others just like us if no one speaks up and makes them take responsibility for their lack of actions?

What was the point of Tracy blogging every single personal detail of our lives if not to help people in some way since he already knew what he was thinking and feeling?

Now, the truth is that even if Tracy had told me to stop it I would still be highly motivated on this path because it's who I am.  Not what I do.  It's who I am.

So...huh....thank you for listening.

(hhmmm.....Tracy was right.  I do feel a bit better).

And so it begins-

Today is the first day of the rest of my life-without Tracy by my side.

It's a sad terrible feeling among all the joy and surprise and kindness and amazement from the outpouring of love everyone has shown me and our family due to Tracy's sudden departure.

A Departure so surprising that his GP just TODAY- nearly 3 weeks after his passing called to ask if he would be making his appointment on time next week.  

Insert visual of me blinking, nearly batting my eyes and audio of crickets chirping as I processed some kind of response.

The poor gal on the phone was horrified when I dropped the bomb on her that in fact Tracy didn't need their services any more.

Quite honestly I was a bit ticked with them up until this point for not even sending a note or leaving a message on voice mail saying something- anything about his passing that I am now aware that they weren't aware of. 

 Seems that no matter how many stupid forms I filled out, repeatedly, everywhere, each time, saying yes- anyone on the planet having anything to do with medical information with Tracy Boettcher's health could share or talk or email, fax, smoke signal any of it to any other person, being or alien if it could in any way possibly help him, most especially his primary care physician.  

THIS WILL BE ADDRESSED at some point in the future.

The fact that where we left off with his doctor WEEKS earlier was a crisp conversation from her about the fact she was left out of the loop on Tracy's Warfarin meds and Lovenox shots due to an ER visit she knew nothing about (again) should have made her curious enough to keep tabs one would think.  Her omission was barely purposeful on my part and again- she SHOULD have known and been aware since I filled all the paperwork out at the hospital and mentioned to them I catch crap from her for not keeping her in the loop.

His Tube replacement was Sept. 23rd wasn't it?  We were on Lovenox (a painful shot in the gut) for nearly 3 weeks because no one but me seemed to care.  INR never did get right.  Did his doctor not think it was curious he was in ST. David Hospital  ER Oct. 5th in Austin?  I believe I called her about it. I CALLED HER with my own plan of what to do about his INR and diet because she never contacted me or called me back.  She said OK with what I had proposed.  (Why don't I get to charge HER then?)  These are all things in the past I am to let go of now because it doesn't matter....except that it will happen again to the next poor sap that comes through unless I make our suffering at their hands as painful for them as it was for us.  I know, I know...let it go....It's a new day.

So, here we are, NOW.  

"Now" being the day after the most wonderful, lively party to honor Tracy's unique life and family. 

Tracy would have LOVE LOVE LOVED this!!! 

There were tons of fun, interesting, creative, inspiring people from all walks of life there to share love and support in forms of food, music, laughter and sympathy.  

The kids were a hoot as they laughed and screeched and raced around the house in a way that would make Tracy grin and giggle.  They danced wildly to "NickiePaige" (the new duo name from Asa's lips) formerly known as Nick and Paige.  When Bob from the local live jam showed up with his guitar the crowd joined in as he and Nick shared the step- stage from the dinning room, literally playing to a full house.  Food and friends were abundant from the front lawn to the back yard and the weather held out so Bill and the rest of the Evans clan could make the perfect S'mores on the front porch and serve food with smiles and grace.  

We had relatives from Oregon and Eldorado Arkansas helping the magic unfold while Sarah played Mary Poppins and snapped her fingers (perhaps a little more work than that) to make an art gallery of photos, stories and personal treasures come alive to tell Tracy's story.  I can hardly wait to see the new memories Rachel froze in time of people enjoying the old memories. It was heartwarming to see all our families come together to create one big love fest- which was one of Tracy's specialties.

The casual theme was set by the menu from Tracy's cookbook Wednesday Night Feasts created by Rachel as a fund raiser to get us back home this summer for the Tower Park Festival and 2 weeks later to the Illinois Bluesfest, all made possible by YOUR generosity.  Sarah made vats and vats of Tracy's famous chili and gave out cards she designed and created with his recipe on them for all to enjoy, while friends, family and neighbors filled in with delicious dishes of their own for all to feast on.

Thank you all who told, emailed and shared stories with me about how you knew Tracy, many of which made our gallery wall that allowed all to get to know Tracy a bit better.  Many people shared trinkets and treasures, gifts, cards and gift cards which really do help.

Speaking of sharing.  Unfortunately Tracy shared his celebration day with my best friend's family who also lost a dear husband in a shocking passing this past week.  Jamil Couri, husband to Aggie Tony Couri, passed in his sleep while on a vacation cruise together out of the country.  Aggie, Mary Cagle and Al Tony have been so amazingly giving and loving to Tracy and I throughout our whole journey.  I am so sad we couldn't be there with them physically but they all were celebrated right along with Tracy last night.

I have been surprised by many things as of late but the creativity and generosity of people continues to make my soul fly and my head reel.  There are so many thoughtful- and I mean- people, who put a LOT of thought into ways to help us, out there.  

Since I am new to this whole widow business I am surprised at the amount of sorting and organizing and health business and phone calls and paperwork and costs and housework there is to do.  But the rest of the world evidently has every idea and has taken steps to do whatever they can to make this process so much easier for me/us.

Spiritual help and prayers, gas gift cards, paper goods, actual cash money, babysitting, jewelry,  offers to let me visit or vacation or hide out or move in, guilt free movie tickets, recipes, art, cards, dinners, inspirational sayings, emails, messages, letters and even coasters, personal momentos, songs, hugs, pictures, invitations to join groups, clubs and meetings..... and on and on.

Absolutely, without a doubt, there is no way I could have made it this far without all the help you have shared with us.  

This whole journey has been overwhelming in so many ways but now I am really overwhelmed in a wonderful way.

I wish I had all the outrageously creative words Tracy would have used to express my deepest gratitude for all you have done and continue to do for us/me.

For now it's all wrapped up in Thank You.

Love, 

Amy and Tracy

He's Baaaaccckkk

Just thought I should let you know, and I don't really know why I think that, except I think that Tracy would have let you know if he was here, and since he is now, I am, for him...letting you know that he is here.

We (meaning my wonderful son in law) picked up his ashes today and brought him home until we recycle him to the earth in some magnificent Tracy style.

Bungee jumping?

Sky Diving?

Off some roof of a giant home he built?

Have a class of TKD kids kick him into oblivion?

Make him into a craft project ( this one has gotten a number of votes and is leading the pack)?

Take him on a beautiful vacation and leave him there?

Blend him with his other relatives that have gone before?

I'd love to hear your ideas.

 

Courage under Fire

I fully intended to share the roller coaster of Tracy's continuing journey and past in the same forth right blunt style my man had thrilled you with but the nitty and often very gritty details strangle the voice from my fingers.

The amount of courage it takes to spew honesty the pleasant and many not so pleasant twists and turns has eluded me for now.  I am so disappointed about that and hope to summon the courage it takes to tell his truth in a way that would make Tracy proud.

Tracy's "Gone Away Party" = Celebration of Life,  will be on Sunday.  As the day looms closer I have very mixed feelings as I have had emotional "mine" bombs (or should I say Mind Bombs) at surprisingly "miner" events which in hind sight I guess I should have seen coming while laughing joyfully through more obviously prickly productions.  So instead of flamboyantly dancing through the fields rejoicing Tracy's uniqueness I am beginning to hesitate, creeping like the impending victim in the horror flicks Tracy so loved.  That is so not ME! I say to myself...and yet, here I am.  The new Me yet undiscovered, Jack in the Boxing emotions and ideas to the events that are rolling at me with Tsunami like speed.  Hold on folks, we are in for a bumpy ride.  Looks like the PollyAmy personality in my Sybil has taken a back seat for now, projecting a new character.  I hope she is a strong one.

Ironically, now that I have gotten enough sleep to begin to function again. it keeps me from sleeping very well.   Another Zig to the ALS Zag.

Time for a little Celebration

Originally we did not plan to have a ceremony to denote Tracy's passing here in Dallas.  Tracy and I had even discussed it a couple times.  Since we didn't socialize much here in Dallas we thought it would make more sense to gather in Peoria, Illinois where he lived most his life and I had lived all my life until ALS hit us, which we plan to do this summer.

But Mr. Popularity has left an impression on so many people that have inquired so wholeheartedly about what plans were for his funeral that we have decided to celebrate Tracy's crazy life here in Dallas at our house in the style we know Tracy would have loved.

A man of many many talents, Tracy had a passion for playing chef and was famous back home for hosting Wednesday Night Feasts so family had an excuse to get together and catch up while test tasting his latest culinary concoctions.  Holidays are so busy no one really gets to just sit around and jaw about things, so this was a great way for family and friends to stay in touch with no pressure.

With that in mind, we will host a casual celebration to enjoy life together in the way Tracy taught us.

If you are interested in coming please contact me on facebook or make a reply here or Email me at amyboettcher@gmail.com.

Thank you all for your love and support.

The Adventure continues.

Whirlwind

It's the day after Halloween.

The Wizard of Oz is a perfect visual depiction of our life- post Tracy.  

A whirlwind of activities and emotions buffet me unexpectedly and expectedly.

So many many many things to think, do, organize, plan while the mantra "there is nothing you HAVE to do" plays like a broken record off loved ones lips and in my mind.

The emotional roller coaster has been slowed by an avalanche of activity.

Some are happy distractions in the form of pampering by family and friends that I have to admit I am greedily enjoying.  Other activities include facing the hard realities and responsibilities in the aftermath of this mandatory life change.  Some are busy work to just keep moving to make sure I still can.

To wash the acid like burning sense of ALS out of my mind I raced to have Respiratory pick up the cough assist machine, Trilogy Tri Pap breathing machine, Humidifier and suction machine- most of which we barely used if at all. To me they felt more like they were sucking the life out of him even tho I know they are designed to do the opposite.  I am so glad to be rid of them.

Today I packed up his clothes and personal items except for those we will craft into clever gifts and memorabilia, reminding myself over and over that those items are not HIM.

But he is here in spirit.

We know this because he went with us to Trick or Treat with the grandkids last night.

We took his wheelchair, lights on

and talked to him and showed him the bounty

the boys collected.

Neighbors awkwardly hugged me

wondering if I had indeed gone over the edge due to the emotional trauma.

I almost felt bad for our distasteful inappropriate display.  Almost....but not quite,

because I know Tracy would have loved making people squirm.

It was so wrong it was right.