Post Tramatic Holiday Disorder

Valentine's Day was such a struggle for me. 

 

 Tracy left Oct 27th.  We took his wheelchair on Halloween rounds with us so he would be "with us in Spirit".  ( I know, totally distasteful but at that point...no, no excuses.  It was just us being us). Then Thanksgiving with the family cooking his favorites. Such a big deal for Tracy.  Then Christmas!  He LOVED watching everyone open all their gifts.  He LIVED for that moment of surprise and joy!!  He was always sooo proud of himself he often couldn't wait to give his gifts and would give them early.  Then New Years!  A time to remember good times and make plans for the future... ugh.  Then his birthday Jan. 30th.  We celebrated by eating what he loved, going to the movies and music concerts.  Whew...done.

Wait- Valentine's Day.  awe- come on!!!

  Gesh!  How many is that in 3 months?

 

But, I thought so naively, if I can just get through this, the worst of all the "first holidays without", I will be on easy street.  I will just roll along because honestly Tracy didn't care too much about Easter as he thought it a silly tradition with eggs and bunnies having nothing to do with Jesus at all and he wasn't even religious he pointed out. 

(Bunnies laying eggs he would laugh!)

 

I actually thought I would feel much better having survived the dreaded Valentine's Day but I am experiencing a tsunami of frustration and wild emotions instead. 

 

The feeling that I should "get on with life now" stings. I feel as if the last 4 years of what I have learned now is not supposed to matter because my point was to save Tracy and he is no longer here so move on.   But it is THIS exact shocking truth that suddenly makes me realize this emotional angst I am experiencing doesn't have to do with 

 Tracy Boettcher. 

It has to do with the fact that what I believed my whole life until a year after we were diagnosed is ABSOLUTELY NOT TRUE and no one is accountable for that.   What I learned in the last 4 years is in exact opposition to what I had been taught and now no one will believe me because Tracy chose hospice.

 Now that I am trying to build my new life I have no footing. I have to review everything I believed when it comes to the world and information. I am/was not a cynical person before ALS. I don't want to be cynical now. I want to be informed with information I can trust. I dealt in people and ideas and happiness before- not medicine, money or politics.  

What hell I find myself in now.

 

Since we had no direct need for the medical world pre ALS I kind of passed off the conversations about the health industry, insurance, pharmaceuticals.  It's not that I believed or didn't believe, it's at that point I didn't care THAT much.  Well, now that I have seen the direct results of THAT not caring enough, it makes me feel the need to focus on it more seriously since I ain't getting any younger= health issues at some age most likely and not wanting my children to be responsible for them. 

 

Then there is the REAL issue- 

No one actually believing what I found out is true.  Honestly, I think that is the crux of my problem.  I hate to admit it because it's such an ego driven sounding idea but it doesn't effect just me (in my view).  I don't care if you like my hair or think my art is ugly.  But after what we have been through, I can't help but feel for those who are being diagnosed daily with ALS and all the misinformation they are given in the most horrible crazy ways and the unnecessary suffering it causes during an already horrific time.  

 

I know, I know- not my problem.  I served my time.  I lived the good fight.  No regrets, blah blah blah...

That has nothing to do with the reality that is foisted upon us all.  I have had dozens of people contact me that have been given death sentences of cancer, MS,  Alzheimer's, and more asking questions of me because they heard we accomplished this or that.  I have ALSers referred to me by well meaning loved ones looking for help and hope.  

There is NO LEAVING the trenches.  It's life.

  

If it wasn't for those generous souls I found that healed themselves of all sorts of deadly incurable diseases, our short journey would have been a lot shorter and much more miserable.  But "people" don't believe me now that Tracy is dead and gone.  What good is my information?  Why bother sharing it?  I think it's This feeling of throwing away 4 very important educational years of knowledge "because that is no longer my life" that is also painful.

 

  I COULD try to extract myself from all that but it doesn't change the fact that I have family members and friends who are suffering right this minute with life ending issues.  I myself need to deal with the reality that I have absolutely no faith in the medical world should a serious health illness arise for me because I am very non typical in reactions to medicine.  I am probably screwed then and what does that mean for my kids since Tracy isn't here?

 

Crap. Now not only do I have to heal from losing the love of my life, my friends, city, home, business, money, independence, now I have to find a way to trust a world I never had to be part of before but I am forced into. I spent 4 years learning a new way of life. It often feels to me as if people expect that to be OVER.  Don't beat a dead horse (or Jackass) I am encouraged.  Take time for myself I am told.  

How do I take care of me without other people? It's an oxymoron isn't it?  These other people have been there for Tracy and I every step of the way.  

I told Tracy almost daily and I absolutely believe 100%.  There is NO he and Me.  Only WE.  We are ONE.  When your children leave your body they are still OF YOU.  THEY BELIEVE they are independent.  That doesn't change the fact that without us they are NOT in existence.  THEY ARE US.  Physically, absolutely, factually.  Our egos make us want to believe we are separate.  We are taught independence.  But the truth is we are all in this together.

I can cut off a rotting limb to save myself- but how many times before it's too much?

I don't see a way at this point to move forward without carrying with me all I have learned from the past.  Isn't that how we grow?   But what if what I learn is in conflict to the beliefs of those I love? Is having people believe my truths important and to whom?

How does this relate in any way to me creating a life?

 

Hell- I don't know.  I am surprised as anyone.  I thought that once these list of "firsts without" took a breather I would relax and begin to heal.  

Not feeling it so far.

Valentine's Day

Saturday, February 13, 2016

Valentine's Day

I am truly happy for all you who will enjoy 

Valentine's Day to the fullest.

I have been asked in many ways if being around happy couples makes me sadder.

On the contrary-

Happy people make me happy.  I have no interest in sitting with sad people who have lost what I have or more, trying to one up each other.  I do however sympathize and empathize greatly with those in the trenches of forced change and I do so enjoy the freedom of the "insiders chat" we can freely share.  Knowing people really understand does give some stability to the roller coaster I am experiencing.

I am not pretending life is a bed of roses without thorns.

There is nothing you can say or do to make me SADDER so quit worrying.  Say what is on your mind.  Ask whatever questions you want.  Give that advice you dared not -"too soon".

Bringing Tracy's name up makes me know you miss him too and in some ways it keeps him alive.  But also realize- don't feel OBLIGATED to wallow in that remembering if it makes YOU sad because then you will avoid talking to me and that WILL make me sad.

Clearly I am no expert on much of anything and as many have pointed out over the last few years I am not necessarily middle of the road on my views.  As a matter of fact many can't even SEE my view (point) standing right next to me.  I'm fine with that.

I write this because I hope that it can help anyone in anyway- including myself and it's my gift to Tracy because he Sooooo LOVED to pour his heart out to you all.

This holiday is another in the line of firsts without- and again it has taken me by surprise that this Hallmark Holiday is actually tougher than any so far, even Tracy's birthday.  Most people just give a card and a kiss or go to dinner, maybe some flowers.  It's not a month long international celebration with movie stars promoting their wares.  

What it is for me, is a time to reflect on those nearest and dearest to me and why they are.  THIS has been a very difficult holiday for me because there are no distractions.  Nothing else to focus on BUT that reality.  

We were lucky enough to have a crazy love affair that started in high school and surely will never end. 

But even in my sadness, automatically I think of all of you who showed your love in so many amazing ways to both of us.  That really does help.  And I thank you all and I love you all for being so giving and sharing with that very special gift.

~So Really~

Happy Valentine's Day

Building a Life

I am now living a life of check lists as I try to Build a life.

Got thru Thanksgiving and Christmas- check.  Made it thru his Birthday- check, now just have to sneak by Valentine's day and dang it- I can't even drink because I am allergic! Gesh.  All my surrogate drinkers might need to be prepared to start early for me for this one.

But today I realize THIS is life.  There is no getting used to it or around it- Just like "Going on a Bear Hunt" - I just have to go through it and find ways to get comfortable with the being uncomfortable.  Every day there are a million things that remind me of him and always will but also always HAVE.  It's not a new thing.  Every action or decision included an awareness of how that would effect his schedule, happiness or frustration.  I miss his outrageous inappropriate sense of humor and his absolute genius which many never got a chance to see and his creativity and bravery on so many levels.

Some of that genius was in being a Builder- yes a contractor, carpenter but I think of him as a builder.  Not just of houses but of lives and memories and HOMES.  He CARED about every board in every build.  He was friends with almost every single person he every built for or worked with and to this day many of those people contact me and check on me or remember him with me because he also cared about the PEOPLE that would go into his houses as if they were extended family.

Today I am working on cleaning out the garage to create an art studio of sorts ( memories of my beginnings back at home so many years ago) and Sarah is redoing the boys bedroom.  As we discuss the best way to cut the floor boards (wishing Tracy was here to ask)  we dig though what is left of his cache of tools I hoarded and I miss every single one of his we got rid of.  (I realize I have ended this sentence in a preposition which would have made Tracy irritated to the point he would stop reading {Unless I was talking about HIM in which case curiosity would have forced him to peek between his grammar fingers at the rest of the train wreck of my literary mutilation} which is exactly the point of my post.)

The smell of sawdust is SOOOO Tracy.  The sound of the saw makes me smile not only because it reminds me of Tracy doing what he LLLOOOVVVEEEDDD  so much and was a master of his artistry and craftsmanship but because he would be SSSOOOOO proud to see Sarah designing, implementing, measuring, cutting, nailing....and that she too enjoys it as do I.

In this way he lives on through the successes and struggles of our  kids and grands.

I'm sad he is not here to enjoy that satisfaction in person because that was always his highest goal- to make sure his family was healthy and happy and free to express the best they could be in any way they wanted.  Never would he allow the thought for any of us to HAVE to do something for a living.  To make a Living to him was Living a satisfying life not just earning money which is why he was quick to spend, not wanting to waste an opportunity to enjoy life.  

Now we know why.  

Perhaps some part of him knew he would not be sticking around for the golden years.  He NEVER had a plan to slow down or retire, even tho I often often often discussed the "reality" of standing on a roof in January with snow and wind when he was 75 and I would say- do you REALLY think you are gonna want to be doing that?  He would smile at me and say- yep.  And I believed him.

He missed working with his best friend Jim every single day after the diagnosis because it was rarely work.  No matter when I would come to visit, if they expected me or not, if I crept up on them while saws where running and their backs were turned, even when they were both deeply involved in concentrating on the task at hand they both had a whistle going or a slight grin of satisfaction or a set determination in their jaw.  You could FEEL how much they enjoyed what they were doing and each other.

Their conversations ranged from interesting to inspiring to absolutely ridiculous.  Tom Foolery was constant during breaks and days they got rained out or "niced out" and I am looking forward to those who worked with him and around him sharing more of that nonsense with me in Peoria at his send off celebration in August.

So every moment right now is bittersweet but I feel his pride while we struggle through the WWTD (What Would Tracy Do) moments.  I also see him slapping his forehead when we are making things harder than they need to be saying "how could you NOT have realized that"? That also makes me laugh and then sigh.

Gotta go back to Building a Life.

Happy Birthday

January 30th, 2016

Tracy is- would have been- 58 years old.

Tracy and I loved to find ways to surprise each other for holidays and birthdays and he prided himself on finding creative over the top ways to outdo himself each time.

This always made me want to do a BETTER job at one upping him.

This year the grand boys asked if we were going to give Grampa a Birthday Party.

I thought that was a great idea.

My brother Stu was in Dallas for work and was thrilled to join our celebration that started on Friday night at Red Robin, one of Tracy's favorite junk food places to go eat when we moved here.

We all stuffed ourselves with ONION rings of course because who can think of Tracy enjoying food without thinking of him chomping away on ONIONS!  We followed that by eating burgers of every type and washing them down with a Gigantic ice creamy pie. This the boys devoured in a style reminiscent of watching a school of starving piranha enjoying a side of raw beef.

We waddled out of the restaurant after thanking Grampa for the excuse to pig out and told stories of how Tracy got to ring the bell on 2 different occasions at Ferrell's Ice Cream Parlor back in the 70's for eating an entire Trough of ice cream all by himself!!  If you made a pig of yourself you got your ice cream for free and they rang the bell and announced it to the whole place.  Everyone was SHOCKED that someone of his size could eat enough ice cream to feed an entire birthday party.

I took Stu back to his hotel and took off to Austin and got there about midnight.

I got up early and headed to San Antonio for the Hypnosis seminar whose focus was Past Lives hoping Tracy would show up to talk to me but I guess he was busy partying elsewhere.  I raced back to Austin in time to meet up with Rachel to head to the Grace Potter concert. Rachel surprised me by giving herself a makeover!!  New hair color, clothes and jewelry!  I almost didn't recognize her. Tracy would have loved that:)

We meet up with Nick and Paige and entourage at the Moody Theater to rock out with Grace Potter and the Nocturnals.  What a great time.  The guitar player  and the gal standing next to me ALSO were celebrating their birthdays too!!  

We stayed until they moved us outside and we headed back to Rachel's as Nick and Paige raced off to continue their night's celebration.  Since one of the closing numbers was a David Bowie song from the Labyrinth we just HAD to watch it when we got home.  

This morning, Sunday started with a photo shoot so I have business head shots and then I headed him in time to catch a movie with the Sarah and Tim and boys to finish out Tracy's birthday celebration.

Tracy LOVED going to the movies and often left work with the excuse that they were rained out or "niced out" meaning it was just too nice to work that day and would spend that beautiful day INSIDE sneaking off to the movies with Jim.

We all loved Kung Fu Panda 3 and I am absolutely positive Tracy would have loved watching the boys watch the movie as well as laughing like a child himself at the slap stick humor of it. Dinner of chicken fingers and ranch dip with a popcorn chaser was a movie favorite menu for Tracy so I think it was a completely perfect evening.

Happy 58th Birthday Baby.

I purposely chose to be very busy and celebrate Tracy's birthday with every family member and I am so glad I did.  This was even more emotional than Thanksgiving or Christmas because there was no other reason to be together, no presents for others, nothing but to realize we would have to have enough fun for Tracy too since he isn't here.  

Knowing Tracy would have had a great time and would have been happy to have me with the kids made the weekend much better but it was still hard to know I will never get to shop for that special something and get to watch his surprised expression when I gave it to him.  My mind automatically skips ahead to the next holiday- Valentine's Day- ugh.... and now I see the pattern of dreading the FIRST of everything without him forming.

Luckily Tracy didn't care at all about Easter and thought I was ridiculous to try to come up with mailable Easter baskets and egg hunts for grown kids.  I will miss him laughing at the kids chocolate covered faces and hands and his cooking the BEST holiday meals and being so proud of himself for it.

I had a GREAT weekend and at the same time it was tough.  It's like living 2 lives.

I realize I can't live with a foot in the past constantly but I also have NO interest in pretending Tracy didn't exist. 

Every day is a new adventure and with all the love and support of my family and friends I feel like I am making my way to whatever my new life is.  Maybe that is my real gift to him.

Happy Birthday Tracy.